FEBRUARY 26, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Allen's Statement on School Suspensions. Impact: If Allen had just texted "LOL" instead of a formal statement, we might have saved an entire generation from taking school suspensions seriously. Imagine a world where kids just laughed their way through detention!. Fact: Texting was originally invented to make school suspensions more bearable. It's true! Just ask the kids who got caught texting during class..
• Headline: Sculptor Wins Academy Medal. Impact: J. de Marco's Academy Medal win led to a century-long debate about whether sculpting should be considered 'art' or just 'really fancy construction.' Spoiler: it turned into a reality show.. Fact: Sculptors used to be called 'stone whisperers' before art critics decided that sounded too mystical..
• Headline: Lawyers Endorse Axel Beck for Judgeship. Impact: Axel Beck’s insistence on his qualifications paved the way for future candidates to run for office with even less experience than a cat playing with a keyboard. Thanks, Axel!. Fact: In politics, nothing says 'qualified' like having lawyers vouch for you—because who needs actual skills when you have a lot of legal jargon?.
• Headline: BAR OPPOSES BILL TO RESTRICT COURT; Association Terms Jenner Curb on Supreme Bench Against U. S. Tradition. Impact: The American Bar Association's opposition to the bill inspired a secret society of lawyers who believed they could amend the Constitution with interpretive dance. It didn't work, but it was entertaining!. Fact: The Constitution is often referred to as 'a living document,' which is just a fancy way of saying lawyers like to stretch it as much as possible..
• Headline: Rebel Chief Offers Batista Plan to End Cuban Revolt; Castro, in Interview, Demands Army's Departure From Oriente Province, Then Election Supervised by O.A.S. CASTRO PROPOSES PLAN TO END WAR. Impact: Castro's plan for peace somehow led to an influx of tourists in Cuba who thought they were signing up for a beach vacation but ended up at a history lesson. Who knew sunbathing came with a side of revolution?. Fact: The O.A.S. is not just a group trying to end conflicts; it's also an acronym for 'Oh, Another Summit,' which pretty much sums up their meetings..
• Headline: Broadcasters Fete Harriman. Impact: Harriman's recognition led to a series of award shows dedicated to honoring people who are honored. This ultimately resulted in the creation of the 'Most Honorable Honoree' award. It's a vicious cycle!. Fact: Broadcasters are like the honorary committee of the universe; they celebrate everything, even that time you had a good hair day!.
• Headline: ANNUAL PAY A DEMAND; Union to Seek a Guananteed Wage in R. C. A. Talks. Impact: The IBEW's demand for a guaranteed wage led to every other union in history to start demanding wacky perks, like free coffee breaks that turned into 'mandatory coffee break meetings.'. Fact: Guaranteed annual wages were first proposed by a group of workers who just wanted to ensure they could afford their daily coffee. The rest is history!.
• Headline: BOURGUIBA INSISTS MURPHY TAKE UP STRIFE IN ALGERIA; U. S. Official Begins Peace Effort in Tunis -- Reports 'Step Forward' Taken REBEL LEADERS ON HAND State Department Concedes French Used Aid Planes in Raid on Village BOURGUIBA INSISTS ALGERIA IS ISSUE. Impact: Bourguiba's insistence on addressing Algeria led to a long line of diplomats who thought they'd just pop in, suggest a peace plan, and then grab a latte. Spoiler: it didn't work out that way.. Fact: Peace talks are like bad first dates; they often end in awkward silences and someone wishing they could just leave the room..