FEBRUARY 17, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Bennington College Fee Increase. Impact: The increase in student fees led to a generation of overly caffeinated students who turned to the dark arts of budgeting and ramen noodle cuisine, inadvertently creating the first wave of 'living on a budget' influencers.. Fact: Students often claim that a 10% fee increase correlates with a 150% increase in coffee consumption. Science or just coffee addiction? You decide..
• Headline: New Insignia for McGuire Airmen. Impact: The 4730th Air Defense Group's new insignia inspired a trend that led to all branches of the military adopting increasingly ridiculous emblems, culminating in a line of camouflage capes for super secret ops.. Fact: Insignias are like tattoos for the military—except they don’t regret them after a bad breakup..
• Headline: Eisenhower Praises Rising Home Loan Applications. Impact: Eisenhower’s enthusiasm for home loans marked the beginning of the Great American Dream, which eventually spiraled into a housing crisis, a reality TV show about flipping houses, and a national obsession with IKEA furniture.. Fact: Home loans: the only type of loan where you can borrow money, spend it on a house, and still end up living in your parents’ basement..
• Headline: Virginia Is Facing School Bias Crisis; VIRGINIA IS FACING A CHOICE ON BIAS. Impact: Virginia's bias crisis sparked debates that eventually made their way into Netflix dramas, leading to a generation of lawyers with very dramatic backstories.. Fact: When it comes to school bias, Virginia was just getting started; today’s debates are basically just a sequel to the original drama..
• Headline: NEW HEAD NAMED BY CHOIR COLLEGE; Akron Pastor Will Succeed Dr. Williamson in Post at Westminster School. Impact: The appointment of Dr. MacCalmont at Westminster College led to a surge in choir enrollment, which inadvertently created a global shortage of sheet music and an uptick in karaoke nights.. Fact: Choirs are like the original flash mobs—minus the spontaneous dance and with more robes..
• Headline: Britain Basks in Sunshine. Impact: Britain basking in sunshine triggered a nationwide existential crisis, as citizens questioned whether they were actually in the right country or if they'd accidentally wandered into a Mediterranean vacation.. Fact: The sun in Britain is like a unicorn—everyone talks about it, but only a few have actually seen it..
• Headline: GLOBE IS RENAMED TO HONOR LUNTS; House Will Reopen April 14 With Team in 'The Visit,' Which May Be Farewell. Impact: The renaming of the Globe Theatre set off a chain reaction of celebrity tributes, leading to an absurdly long list of theaters named after people who really should have just stuck to acting.. Fact: If you think renaming theaters is excessive, just wait until the reality show where actors compete for the best theater name..
• Headline: 5-Minute Quake Shakes Tokyo. Impact: The Tokyo earthquake left behind an indelible mark on disaster preparedness, inspiring future generations to develop early warning systems, which eventually led to the invention of the 'earthquake dance'—a trend that never quite took off.. Fact: Earthquakes: nature’s way of reminding us that stability is an illusion and that your morning coffee is at risk..
• Headline: 3 PREMIERES MARK COMPOSERS FORUM; Works of Don Martino and Norma Wendelberg, Young Americans, Are Heard. Impact: The Composers Forum's premieres fostered an environment of creativity that eventually birthed the hipster music scene, where everyone pretends to love obscure composers while sipping overpriced coffee.. Fact: If you play a composer’s work backward, it’s basically just hipster music—so avant-garde it makes your head spin..