FEBRUARY 12, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Milwaukee's Second Asian Flu Wave. Impact: The 2d Flu Wave in Milwaukee caused a butterfly effect that led to a nationwide panic. This panic inspired the invention of the world's first flu-themed board game, 'Fever Frenzy', which somehow became a cult classic among hipsters.. Fact: Flu waves are like bad movies; they keep coming back every few years, and no one really knows why!.
• Headline: Inquiry Members Explore Cosmic Mysteries. Impact: The lost inquiry members sparked a secret society of physicists who decided to hold their meetings in actual space. This led to the first intergalactic physics conference, where the only attendees were aliens who couldn't comprehend human humor.. Fact: When physicists explore space, they often forget to pack snacks. Trust me, the universe is a hungry place..
• Headline: Call to Delay Ellis Island Sale. Impact: The delay on Ellis Island set off a chain reaction that eventually caused every New Yorker to develop a deep-seated fear of waiting in lines, giving birth to the world’s first 'line management' consultancy.. Fact: Ellis Island was once the busiest immigrant station in the U.S., which is ironic considering the average wait time was longer than a dentist appointment..
• Headline: REPUBLICANS PASS OWN CHARTER BILL; Assemblyman Kelly Is Only, Democrat to Back Plan Opposed by Wagner. Impact: The Republicans passing their own charter bill was the moment political parties realized they could just ignore each other entirely. This eventually led to the creation of 'The Great American Standoff', a reality show where politicians just stare at each other until someone blinks.. Fact: Political parties have been more dysfunctional than a family reunion since the dawn of time. You’d think they’d learn to just get along..
• Headline: ENVOY IS APPROVED; Senate Panel Backs Drumright as Ambassador to China. Impact: Approving an envoy to China was the first step in what would eventually lead to the world's longest game of diplomatic telephone, resulting in a series of misunderstandings that almost led to a giant panda becoming the US ambassador.. Fact: If you think international relations are complicated now, you should have seen them when the only form of communication was smoke signals..
• Headline: Defense Fund Bill Signed. Impact: The signing of the Defense Fund Bill kicked off a military spending spree that inadvertently funded a top-secret project to develop a 'Tactical Cuddle Puddle', which was way less effective than they hoped.. Fact: Emergency military funds are just like a kid's allowance: if you don't spend it all, it might just disappear..
• Headline: Negro History Week Set. Impact: Negro History Week led to the realization that history is often told from a single perspective, prompting a revolution in education. This movement eventually resulted in a worldwide 'History Remix' competition.. Fact: Negro History Week is now Black History Month, because who doesn’t love a good month-long celebration?.
• Headline: G.O.P. RALLY IN HARLEM; 250 at Lincoln Day Dinner Hear Governor McKeldin. Impact: The G.O.P. rally in Harlem led to an unexpected influx of hip hop artists running for office, turning political campaigns into rap battles. This revolutionized how candidates connect with voters and led to the rise of ‘Vote or Die’ merchandise.. Fact: Politicians have been trying to appeal to younger voters for decades, but maybe they should just drop a sick beat instead..
• Headline: MOSES BIDS TRIBE SELL OR FACE SUIT; But Indians See 'Bluff' in Threat to Condemn Land for Niagara Project. Impact: Moses's threat to condemn land for the Niagara Project caused the tribes to unite like never before, forming a secret pact that would eventually inspire countless movies about the 'power of unity'—none of which were actually any good.. Fact: When it comes to land disputes, the only thing tougher than a legal battle is finding a good mediator who won't charge you an arm and a leg..