JANUARY 9, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Draft Deferments for Science Students. Impact: If only all college students could defer everything in life like they do with the draft! Imagine a world where people could defer their responsibilities indefinitely—oh wait, we have that now with social media!. Fact: Did you know that deferring college students from the draft was considered a noble act? Today, we just defer adulthood with Netflix and takeout..
• Headline: Beall Announces Re-election Bid in 1958. Impact: This decision set off a chain reaction that led to an endless cycle of politicians running for re-election, proving that the only thing more resilient than a cockroach is a career politician.. Fact: Did you know that politicians running for re-election often have the same success rate as a cat trying to swim? Spoiler: it’s messy..
• Headline: Argentines to Visit Soviet. Impact: This diplomatic exchange inadvertently caused a surge in fashion trends that mixed tango with Soviet chic—because nothing says diplomacy like a good pair of boots.. Fact: Did you know that during this visit, someone probably tried to dance the tango with a bear? Just kidding… or am I?.
• Headline: Jersey Arsonist Admits Guilt. Impact: This confession sparked a movement in New Jersey where arsonists suddenly became the poster children for 'How Not to Get Caught 101'—a course that sadly, not enough people enrolled in.. Fact: In case you were wondering, pleading guilty in court is like admitting you lost a game of Monopoly: it’s just a formality before you get sent back to the start..
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: This literary critique ultimately led to an explosion of academia that made reading fashionable once again—until students discovered memes, of course.. Fact: Did you know that for every book published, there are at least five articles written about how it should have been a blog post instead?.
• Headline: GERMAN ART ON VIEW; Exhibition of Expressionism Offered in Santa Barbara. Impact: This exhibition sparked a wave of 'art appreciation' where many pretentious individuals suddenly became experts in expressionism, leading to a significant rise in eye-rolls at gallery openings.. Fact: Fun fact: Expressionist art is often just a fancy way of saying, 'I threw paint at a canvas and called it deep.'.
• Headline: JAPAN WILL CUT TAXES; Cabinet Also Sets $479,450,000 Rise in the Budget. Impact: Cutting taxes might have seemed like a good idea at the time, but it led to an economic rollercoaster that would make even the bravest of thrill-seekers dizzy.. Fact: Did you know that tax cuts often lead to a sudden spike in public enthusiasm? That is, until those same taxpayers realize they still have to pay for roads and schools..
• Headline: Guard Colonel Heads Military Group. Impact: This appointment paved the way for countless military leaders to emerge, most of whom had the uncanny ability to turn any strategy meeting into an episode of a sitcom.. Fact: Did you know that military rankings are just a fancy way of determining who gets to decide whether to order pizza or sushi for the troops?.
• Headline: Fino Calls for Lottery. Impact: This call for a national lottery led to a surge in people dreaming about their 'big win,' which ironically resulted in a national epidemic of daydreaming and procrastination.. Fact: Did you know that lotteries are the only place where people get excited about taking risks with their money while simultaneously ensuring their friends know they still have a 'real job'?.