JANUARY 4, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Clarkstown's Tax Assessment Controversy. Impact: This town meeting set off a chain reaction of bureaucratic nightmares, leading to every town in America developing a phobia of accurate record-keeping. Today, we're still deciphering the hieroglyphics left behind by tax assessors.. Fact: Did you know that in the 21st century, people still complain about taxes? Shocking, right?.
• Headline: Will Aubrey, Vaudevillian Legend Passes Away. Impact: Aubrey's passing sent shockwaves through the vaudeville community, leading to the eventual decline of live performances and the rise of reality TV. Thanks, Will, for paving the way for 'The Real Housewives.'. Fact: Vaudeville was so popular that it was considered the original reality TV—except with more talent and fewer dramatic pauses..
• Headline: CON EDISON BIDS CITY CLOSE STEAM PLANT. Impact: This bid was the first domino in a series of questionable energy decisions that helped New York become the king of overpriced utilities. Today, we have fancy coffee shops that charge $5 for a cup of hot water.. Fact: Con Edison once proposed charging people for the air they breathe. Okay, that’s not true... yet..
• Headline: MDB AT COLIJI '.; ! Teachers College' RegistrarSince .'25 Dies -Advised 'i] 'Students on 0b Laws '. Impact: The registrar's death left a gaping hole in the academic bureaucracy, which led to a generation of students majoring in 'How to Navigate Confusing College Policies.'. Fact: Colleges are still trying to figure out how to communicate with students. It's a modern-day mystery..
• Headline: British West Indies Begin a Federation; New Group Joins Commonwealth. Impact: With this federation, the British West Indies initiated a long-standing tradition of island politics that would eventually lead to endless debates about rum and tourism. The rest is history—filled with sunburns.. Fact: The British West Indies are so good at creating federations that they could probably unite the entire Caribbean for a rum-tasting contest..
• Headline: GREENWICH PAPER SOLD; Gillespie Bros., Inc., Stamford Publishers, Buy The Time. Impact: The sale of this paper triggered a domino effect of local news outlets being gobbled up by larger corporations, leading to the rise of sensational headlines. Today, we read the news like it's an episode of a soap opera.. Fact: Buying a local newspaper is like adopting a pet—everyone thinks you’re doing a nice thing, but it just leads to more chaos..
• Headline: $. $. ADAMS FIANCE; Son of President's Assistant Will Marry, Student at Lesley in the Summer. Impact: This engagement inspired a flurry of political dynasties, leading to the creation of the 'Presidential Baby' phenomenon. Expect a reality show about it any day now.. Fact: Political engagements are like soap operas: full of drama, unexpected twists, and a shocking number of people named 'Bobby.'.
• Headline: Hillary Reaches South Pole By 70-Mile Forced March. Impact: Hillary's trek to the South Pole not only demonstrated human resilience but inadvertently inspired a generation of couch potatoes to binge-watch documentaries about it instead of going outside.. Fact: The last person to reach the South Pole before Hillary was probably just looking for Wi-Fi..
• Headline: Computer Develops Capacity to 'Learn'; COMPUTER SHOWS ABILITY TO 'LEARN'. Impact: This groundbreaking moment set off a chain reaction that led to the rise of self-aware computers. Now, they’re learning how to take over the world... or at least our jobs.. Fact: The first computer that learned was actually just trying to remember where it left its charger. Spoiler: it never found it..