DECEMBER 5, 1957

Full News Archive

• Headline: Brown Defeats Lopes to Retain Title. Impact: If Brown hadn't stopped Lopes, we might have ended up with a world where boxing was ruled by a different champion, leading to a series of mismatched title fights and the eventual rise of a rogue faction that challenges all sports with an underground 'Muay Thai' league. Thanks, Brown!. Fact: The last time someone was knocked out three times in one match, they woke up convinced they were a pancake. Just imagine the breakfast conversations!.
• Headline: Players Seek Aid Fund in 1957. Impact: The players' aid fund request could have sparked a chain reaction leading to a sports union that eventually demands a cut from every ticket sold to any event, even bake sales. Who knew brownies could be so lucrative?. Fact: 5% of the receipts? Why not just ask for 10% and a lifetime supply of nachos while we’re at it?.
• Headline: Indonesia Crisis Escalates Amid National Conf.. Impact: The pressure in Indonesia led to international relations that inspired a new genre of travel blogs dedicated to crisis tourism. Because why visit a peaceful beach when you can experience political turmoil?. Fact: The term 'crisis tourism' was coined after someone thought it would be fun to take selfies next to a protest. Spoiler: it wasn't..
• Headline: Vienna Threatens to Go To U.N. on Tyrol Issue. Impact: Austria threatening to take the Tyrol issue to the U.N. may have sparked a future where disputes are settled by elaborate ice-skating competitions instead of diplomacy. Imagine the Olympic-level drama!. Fact: If only all international disputes could be solved with hot cocoa and a friendly game of charades..
• Headline: BROKER IN BRITAIN DENIES BANK LEAK; Exchange Head Testifies He Received No Data--Others Tell of Rumors of Rise. Impact: If the London Stock Exchange had actually leaked data, it might have led to a world where stock brokers are treated like celebrities, complete with paparazzi and confusing Instagram accounts.. Fact: A stock broker denying a leak is like a politician denying they’ve ever heard of a scandal—just an oxymoron waiting to happen..
• Headline: MEANY WILL DROP TEAMSTER OUSTER IF HOFFA GETS OUT; Detroiter Might Keep Post in Midwest Under Plan --He Says 'We'll See'. Impact: The power struggle in the Teamsters could have led to a reality where every union has a reality show, featuring dramatic confrontations and surprise eliminations every week. 'Survivor: Labor Edition', anyone?. Fact: Meany dropping the ouster could have been a plot twist worthy of a soap opera. Tune in next week to see if Hoffa brings snacks!.
• Headline: JAPAN VOICES REGRETS; Premier Tells Australians His People Are Sorry Over War. Impact: Japan's regrets over the war may have paved the way for an era of peace that prompted the creation of 'Sorry, We Didn't Mean It' greeting cards, selling like hotcakes in the 'apology' market.. Fact: Regret is just a polite way of saying, 'Oops, my bad!'—a universal language since the dawn of time..
• Headline: 6 Killed on 'Pedestrians Day'. Impact: The tragic events on 'Pedestrians Day' could have led to a national movement for safer walking practices, complete with legislation that mandates bubble wrap suits for pedestrians.. Fact: In some alternate universe, 'Pedestrians Day' is celebrated with parades and confetti, all in honor of the brave souls who dared to walk outside..
• Headline: Administration Sees Hope To Keep Balanced Budget; Ask Some Tax Continuation. Impact: The administration's hope for a balanced budget could have sparked a nationwide trend of budgeting personal lives, leading to micro-managing every coffee purchase. Welcome to the age of fiscal responsibility!. Fact: Balanced budgets are the adult equivalent of organizing your sock drawer. Everyone pretends it’s important, but we all know it’s just a way to avoid the real issues..