APRIL 30, 1957

Full News Archive

• Headline: Midtown Traffic Pattern Revolutionizes Travel. Impact: The improved traffic pattern led to an explosion of coffee shops opening up in Midtown, as drivers now had more time to contemplate their life choices while stuck in traffic. This eventually resulted in a nationwide obsession with artisanal lattes and avocado toast, forever changing brunch culture.. Fact: Did you know that if you drive in circles long enough, you could just end up back where you started? It's called the 'Midtown Effect'..
• Headline: Girard College's Historic Desegregation Ruling. Impact: The court ruling created a ripple effect, leading to increased enrollment diversity in colleges across America. As a result, the 'College Experience' expanded to include more than just beer pong and late-night cramming.. Fact: Did you know that laws banning people based on race are a little outdated? Apparently, some people missed the memo..
• Headline: DRAFT EXTENSION SEEN; Hershey Says Act Is Needed to Keep Million in Service. Impact: This draft extension inadvertently sparked a series of protests that led to the invention of the 'I can't even' phrase. A million men later discovered that being in the service wasn’t as glamorous as the recruitment posters made it seem.. Fact: Fun fact: the only draft most people enjoy is one that comes from an air conditioner in summer..
• Headline: SENATORS RENEW DRIVE ON BUDGET; Johnson and Knowland Say Pressure of Public for Economy Is Rising Administration Disappointed Johnson Has 'Open Mind' Strong Demand Heard Saltonstall Warn on Cuts. Impact: The renewed budget drive resulted in countless hours of political debate that ultimately changed no one's opinions. It also led to the invention of the phrase 'politics as usual'—because, let's face it, nothing screams 'change' like more of the same.. Fact: Did you know that the average American spends more time waiting for Congress to make a decision than they do waiting for their coffee to brew? Priorities, right?.
• Headline: TEXAS SENATOR SWORN; Yarborough a Loyal Democrat --Montoya Takes Oath. Impact: Yarborough's swearing-in ceremony sparked a surge in Texan pride, which led to a sudden influx of cowboy hats on the market. This, of course, triggered an ongoing debate about whether real cowboys wear them indoors.. Fact: In Texas, it's a requirement to take an oath while wearing a cowboy hat. Just kidding... or am I?.
• Headline: BENSON STRESSES FOOD ABUNDANCE; Farm Problem Laid to Change in Technology--Use Rather Than Storage Advocated Called Depression Tools Taxation Criticized. Impact: Benson's emphasis on food abundance led to a nationwide food waste epidemic, as people became overly confident in their fridge's ability to hold leftovers. The phrase 'I'll eat it later' has since become a staple in households across the country.. Fact: Did you know that the average American throws away 40% of their food? It's like a party where the guests are the leftovers and no one wants to take them home..
• Headline: Senators Approve Donegan. Impact: The approval of Donegan resulted in a sudden surge of confidence among politicians everywhere, leading to more questionable appointments. This eventually snowballed into a reality TV show called 'Who Will Run the Country?'. Fact: Did you know that approving someone for a position is just like swiping right on a dating app? You never really know what you're getting into until it's too late..
• Headline: South Africa Restricts Parley. Impact: The restriction on parley led to a number of secret underground discussions about the future, prompting the rise of covert organizations. This set the stage for future spy novels, and we all know how well those turn out.. Fact: In South Africa, even negotiations can be restricted. It's like playing poker but with less fun and more consequences..