MARCH 22, 1957

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Tokyo College's Inaugural Graduation. Impact: The first graduation led to a chain reaction of over-educated hipsters who now think they can change the world with a degree in 'Philosophy of Avocado Toast.'. Fact: Did you know the first graduation ceremony was just a fancy excuse to wear robes and pretend to be important for a few hours?.
• Headline: Pittsburgh Coal's Slurry Pipeline Setback. Impact: Mr. Erpf’s dim view of the slurry incident inspired future generations to take their time and do nothing, leading to the invention of procrastination as a cultural norm.. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'slurry in no hurry' is now the official motto of the Cleveland procrastination club..
• Headline: Complementary Minds: Morrison's Reflection. Impact: This headline inspired generations of authors to write books that nobody reads but everyone pretends to have read, paving the way for countless awkward book club discussions.. Fact: Did you know that the most complementary minds often just agree to disagree on who actually read the book?.
• Headline: Cleric Would Stay in China. Impact: Rev Mackensen's decision to stay in China despite his detention sparked a wave of future missionaries who thought they could also just 'hang out' and ignore the risks.. Fact: Surprisingly, not all clergy are great at reading the room—sometimes, staying in a communist country is just a bad idea..
• Headline: Nixon Back From Africa New View of U.S. Tasks; Nixon Back From African Tour With a New View of U.S. Tasks Leaders Held Reasonable. Impact: Nixon's newfound perspective on the refugee problem led to a series of political debates that ultimately resulted in countless awkward family dinners where nobody could agree on anything.. Fact: Nixon's 'new view' was actually just him trying to avoid the view of his approval ratings back home..
• Headline: BUSINESS OPPOSES BILLBOARD CONTROL. Impact: The opposition to billboard control led to an explosion of obnoxiously large ads that have since brainwashed the public into thinking they need a new car every year.. Fact: Billboard enthusiasts often argue that nothing says 'freedom' quite like a 50-foot advertisement for a fast-food burger..
• Headline: Nasser Hears Peace Plans Outlined by Hammarskjold; Presses Six-Point Plan Nasser Hears Proposal for Peace In Meeting With Hammarskjold. Impact: The peace talks between Nasser and Hammarskjold set a precedent for future politicians who would eventually ignore peace in favor of more dramatic photo opportunities.. Fact: Peace plans often come with a side of 'let's wait and see'—the favorite dish of many diplomats..
• Headline: NURSE FOR ADAMS BACKS TREATMENT; Witness in Britain Admits Physician Handled Case of Dead Widow 'Well'. Impact: The nurse's endorsement of Adams' treatment methods led to a surge in medical malpractice lawsuits, as everyone suddenly became an expert in health care.. Fact: It's a little known fact that the phrase 'handled well' is often just a euphemism for 'didn't cause more chaos than necessary.'.