MARCH 5, 1957

Full News Archive

• Headline: Helmy B. Badawi's Legacy in Suez Canal. Impact: Badawi's death at the Suez Canal led to a massive power vacuum, causing a chaotic scramble that ultimately resulted in the creation of a secret society of canal enthusiasts who still meet in hidden locations to discuss the proper way to build a canal. They have a very strict dress code.. Fact: Did you know that the Suez Canal is often referred to as the 'Shortcut to Nowhere' by disgruntled sailors who find themselves stuck in traffic?.
• Headline: Richardson Appointed Customs Judge in 1957. Impact: Richardson's appointment as a Customs Judge sparked a chain reaction that eventually led to the establishment of the 'Judges for Parolees' reality show, where contestants must decide the fates of past criminals while dealing with their own questionable choices.. Fact: Did you know that being a Customs Judge is basically like being a glorified gatekeeper? Talk about a promotion!.
• Headline: Air Force Pilot Dies in Crash. Impact: The tragic crash of the Air Force pilot triggered a series of increasingly absurd safety regulations that ultimately required all pilots to take ballet classes to improve their landing grace. Spoiler: it didn't help.. Fact: Did you know that jet crashes are actually what inspired the invention of the 'parachute'? Just kidding, but wouldn't that be a fun twist?.
• Headline: PRESIDENT'S AIDE AT TALBOTT RITES; General Snyder Joins Many Officials at Funeral of Former Air Secretary. Impact: The attendance of General Snyder at Talbott's funeral led to an unexpected rise in attendance at military funerals, as soldiers began to see it as a networking opportunity. Thus began the trend of 'business casual' attire at funerals.. Fact: Did you know that sending flowers to funerals is like the adult version of bringing snacks to a party? It's just expected..
• Headline: Colonel Will Face Open Army Trial On Missiles Leak; MISSILES OFFICER ORDERED TO TRIAL. Impact: Colonel Nickerson's trial for leaking missile information led to an underground movement of whistleblowers who began leaking the recipes for top-secret military meals. The military is still searching for the 'ultimate chili recipe.'. Fact: Did you know that 'military intelligence' is often considered an oxymoron? Just like 'jumbo shrimp' or 'friendly fire.'.
• Headline: SENATE GROUP FINDS 'COLD WAR' TREASON. Impact: The Senate group's findings on Cold War treason set off a chain of events that eventually led to the creation of a reality show called 'Who Wants to Be a Traitor?' where contestants compete to see who can come up with the most outrageous conspiracy theories.. Fact: Cold War espionage was so intense that even the spies needed therapy. Turns out, being sneaky is a stressful job!.
• Headline: CHILE VOTE SHOWS SWING TO CENTER; President as Well as Leftists Appear to Have Suffered Losses in Elections Agrarian Laborites Drop. Impact: The Chilean elections' shift towards the center inspired several countries to create their own centrist parties, leading to an unexpected surge in dull political debates where everyone agrees to disagree over nothing.. Fact: Did you know that 'centrist' is basically political code for 'I don’t want to offend anyone'? It's like being the middle child of politics..