FEBRUARY 6, 1957

Full News Archive

• Headline: Council Votes on Auto Tax Repeal. Impact: After the auto tax repeal, citizens found themselves in a utopia of lower taxes. Little did they know, this would lead to a shortage of funds for public services, resulting in a town where potholes became the new tourist attraction.. Fact: Ironically, the only thing that increased faster than the council's incompetence was the number of potholes on the roads..
• Headline: Power Authority Contracts Gain Support. Impact: Moses's power pacts solidified his grip on the state, leading to a future where every major construction project was named after him. Today, we have a 'Moses Bridge' that only goes halfway over the water, because apparently, he parted it too.. Fact: The only thing more tangled than these power contracts was Moses’s love life—turns out, he had a lot of 'power' over women too..
• Headline: Economy Bloc May Get Foe. Impact: Hoffman's potential bolt from the economy bloc triggered a chain reaction of defections, leading to a bizarre political party formation that eventually forgot what they were even fighting for. Spoiler: It was mostly snacks.. Fact: The economic bloc was so cohesive until they realized they all had different definitions of 'economic prosperity'—turns out it involved a lot of pizza..
• Headline: Bomb Blasts in Argentine City. Impact: The bomb blasts in Argentina led to increased security measures worldwide, resulting in the invention of the TSA—and we all know how that turned out, with long lines and questionable shoe policy.. Fact: The terrorists probably didn't foresee that their actions would lead to a global obsession with airport snacks. Who knew chaos could be so delicious?.
• Headline: DRIVE ON RACKETS HITS UNION HERE; Chemical Workers Order the Seizure of Some Locals-- Records of One Missing 12,000 to 15,000 Members Here Bank Account Checked Link With Dio Unit Found. Impact: The crackdown on rackets led to the creation of an underground union of union leaders, who now hold secret meetings in basements while discussing strategies to avoid being found—because nothing says 'legitimate' like a secret society.. Fact: If you think the mafia is scary, you should see a bunch of union leaders arguing over who gets the last donut at a meeting..
• Headline: RIGHT-WING SEMINAR; G.O.P. Group at Odds With Eisenhower to Meet. Impact: The right-wing seminar turned into a massive existential crisis for the GOP, leading to a time where every member had to choose between being 'real' or 'modern'—spoiler: they still haven't figured it out.. Fact: The seminar was so divisive that it was rumored to have inspired a reality show, 'Keeping Up with the Conservatives,' which was somehow more dramatic than the Kardashians..
• Headline: Cryotrons May Lead to Computers Cubic Foot in Size; CRYOTRON POINTS TO TINY COMPUTER. Impact: The discovery of cryotrons marked the beginning of the miniaturization era, leading to a future where everyone carried computers in their pockets but still couldn't find their car keys.. Fact: If only they had known that one day, we'd all be arguing over whose tiny computer has the best cat memes..