JANUARY 30, 1957

Full News Archive

• Headline: Texas Politician Sentenced for School Fund Theft. Impact: This scandal inadvertently inspired a whole generation of politicians to be more creative in their methods of embezzlement, leading to the invention of 'creative accounting' and the rise of reality TV shows focused on political corruption.. Fact: The only thing more surprising than a politician getting caught stealing is the fact that they thought they wouldn't get caught. Maybe they were just auditioning for a role in 'The Office: Congressional Edition.'.
• Headline: New Leadership in Lumber Dealers Association. Impact: This election set off a chain reaction that eventually resulted in the invention of the term 'lumbersexual,' forever changing the way hipsters choose their flannel shirts and beards.. Fact: The most heated debate during the election was whether the new president should be called 'CEO' or 'Chief Lumber Officer.' Spoiler: they went with 'CEO' for the sake of professionalism..
• Headline: Mansfield and Johnson on the Mideast Crisis. Impact: These speeches were the catalyst for a never-ending series of geopolitical discussions, leading to countless late-night talk-show segments and an entire generation of people who love to debate foreign policy over coffee.. Fact: If you stacked all the speeches made about the Mideast one on top of the other, you'd have a stack high enough to reach the moon... which is ironic, because no one can seem to figure out how to get there without a diplomatic incident..
• Headline: Fenton Reported Choice As Labor Board Counsel. Impact: Fenton’s appointment sparked an underground movement among labor lawyers to adopt the world's most boring dress code, which led to a fashion crisis that still haunts office attire today.. Fact: Labor Board Counsel: the only job title where you can wear a tie and still not be taken seriously by your friends..
• Headline: SOVIET DEMANDS ISRAELI PULLOUT; Delegate Insists U.N. Reject Conditions and Terminate 'Aggression' in Egypt SOVIET DEMANDS ISRAELI PULLOUT. Impact: This demand was the first domino in a long series of U.N. resolutions that have since become the world's longest-running sitcom, complete with plot twists and a cast of characters you just can’t keep track of.. Fact: The U.N. has more resolutions than Netflix has shows, but somehow, neither has managed to resolve anything..
• Headline: U.S. SHIP REACHES POLAR BASE SITE; Survey Vessel Clears Pack Ice on 4th Try--Seals and Birds Abound in Area Seabees Build Base Japanese Party Arrives French Base Completed. Impact: The successful survey led to a surge in interest in polar expeditions, which eventually resulted in the popularization of winter sports and the creation of a snack industry dedicated to hot cocoa.. Fact: The average seal is now a better navigator than some of the crew members on that ship. At least the seals aren't getting lost in the ice!.
• Headline: Chou Renews Hint on Readiness To Exchange 10 U.S. Prisoners; Indicates in Nepal That Peiping Would Act in Return for Freeing of 33 Chinese-- Washington Bars Any Bartering Chou Reaches Calcutta No Barter Get U.S. Replies Two Chose Taiwan. Impact: This proposed exchange sparked a lot of 'what if' scenarios, leading to a series of diplomatic faux pas that could fill a book titled 'How Not to Negotiate 101.'. Fact: The last time someone tried to barter like this, it ended with someone getting a lifetime supply of bubblegum and a very confused llama..
• Headline: NEWS DELIVERERS CONTINUE PARLEYS. Impact: These ongoing talks inadvertently paved the way for the rise of social media, where everyone can now deliver news — complete with unsolicited opinions and cat memes.. Fact: If news deliverers had just used Twitter back then, they could’ve saved themselves the trouble of all those parley meetings. But hey, where's the drama in that?.
• Headline: Wilson Stands By Attack on Guard; Bars an Apology; Controversy Continues WILSON REPEATS ATTACK ON GUA RD '15-to-1' Against Repudiation Is Asked Wilson Draws Fire. Impact: This controversy set a precedent for all future political figures to dig their heels in deeper, leading to a world where apologies have become as rare as a unicorn sighting.. Fact: In politics, not saying sorry is basically the equivalent of saying 'I have a pet dragon.' Everyone just nods along, pretending it makes total sense..