DECEMBER 13, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: Nixon's Refugee Mission to Austria. Impact: Nixon's visit leads to a surge in Austrian pastries being smuggled into American homes, eventually resulting in the first national doughnut shortage in 1972. Who knew a refugee mission could cause a crisis in carbs?. Fact: Did you know that Nixon's travels often had more impact on the pastry industry than on foreign policy? You can't negotiate peace on an empty stomach!.
• Headline: NATO Staff Engages in Political Discussions. Impact: The deep discussions at NATO create a wormhole effect, resulting in a series of awkward dinner parties in Europe where political leaders try to discuss cheese preferences instead of actual issues.. Fact: Fun fact: NATO meetings often included a side of cheese to help the leaders get through the tedious political banter. Because nothing says 'let's defend democracy' like a good Brie!.
• Headline: Scientific Exchange in Antarctica, 1956. Impact: This expedition inadvertently leads to the creation of the first Antarctic hipster café, serving cold brew and artisanal icebergs. Who knew science could brew such trends?. Fact: Did you know that the scientists were actually just trying to escape the cold war? Turns out, actual cold weather is preferable to political coldness!.
• Headline: FRITCHEY TO RESIGN AS DEMOCRATIC AIDE. Impact: Fritchey's resignation sets off a chain reaction of Democratic aides suddenly discovering their passion for underwater basket weaving, leading to a nationwide crafting boom in the 60s.. Fact: It's said that Fritchey left politics to pursue a career that required fewer political debates and more craft glue. Who could blame him?.
• Headline: Bennett Junior College Selects New President. Impact: The appointment of D.A. Eldridge leads to a surge in students majoring in obscure studies, including 'Advanced Napping' and 'Procrastination 101', forever changing the face of higher education.. Fact: Did you know that presidents of junior colleges are often just glorified hall monitors? They wield power over snack machines and parking permits!.
• Headline: DULLES RULES OUT CONSULTING NATO IN TIME OF STRESS; Tells Council Washington Could Not Seek Advice on Taiwan, for Instance Political Ties Limited Greater Coordination Urged DULLES TO LIMIT CONSULTING NATO 'Watch Dog' Unit Favored. Impact: Dulles's unilateral decisions lead to a strange trend where nations begin to consult their own pets for advice on international relations. Dogs become the new diplomats!. Fact: Fun fact: Dulles believed that consulting allies was overrated; he clearly missed the memo that two heads are better than one, especially if one of them is a wise golden retriever!.
• Headline: Family Forgoes Gifts To Help Hungarians. Impact: This selfless act of charity inspires a movement where families across America begin giving up holiday gifts, leading to the first-ever 'gift-free' Thanksgiving, which is promptly met with massive protests from the toy industry.. Fact: In a shocking twist, the family who forwent gifts found themselves drowning in gratitude – and guilt from relatives who were still waiting for their Christmas presents!.
• Headline: DEMOCRATS BLOCK ADVISORY AGENCY; Congressional Chiefs Wreck Move by Party Liberals for National Policy Body Only Six Have Accepted Silence by Johnson. Impact: The block of the advisory agency turns into a cautionary tale for future politicians, leading to the realization that ignoring advice is a sure path to political chaos – and a lack of dessert at important meetings.. Fact: Did you know that Congress has a long history of ignoring good advice? It's almost as if they enjoy making things harder for themselves – and for us!.