DECEMBER 2, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: Safety Concerns Over Drive-In Movies. Impact: If drive-in movies had been left unchecked, we might have ended up with a society where people never left their cars, leading to the rise of a new civilization of car-dwelling hermits who had forgotten how to walk. Thank you, U.S. Road Commissioner, for saving us from that car-bound dystopia!. Fact: Drive-in movies were basically the original Zoom calls, where you could pretend to pay attention while really just staring at your phone.
• Headline: Airplanes and Angels. Impact: This book could have inspired a generation of dreamers to take up aviation, potentially leading to an alternate reality where we all wear aviator goggles and have pet angels flying alongside us. Fact: The concept of angels and airplanes together could have led to an entirely different genre of superhero movies—because who doesn’t want to see an angel pilot?.
• Headline: 'Pro Football; Pro Football. Impact: The differences between pro and college football could spark endless debates and rivalries, leading to a world where families are divided not by politics but by which team has the best cheerleaders. Fact: In the grand scheme of things, the only thing separating pro and college football is a paycheck…and a lot of angry fans.
• Headline: MAORIS JAR TALK OF A 'DYING' RACE; New Zealand Census Proves They Are Increasing at a Faster Rate Than Whites. Impact: The increasing Maori population could lead to a cultural renaissance, where the world embraces traditional practices, resulting in a mass exodus of hipsters to New Zealand in search of authenticity. Fact: The idea that the Maori were a 'dying race' was about as accurate as predicting that vinyl records would never come back in style.
• Headline: HOSPITAL PLANS SET; Work to Start in January on Fort Dix Institution. Impact: The construction of the hospital could inadvertently lead to a future where all military hospitals are designed like luxury spas, causing soldiers to refuse to leave due to excessive pampering. Fact: 500 beds? Sounds like a sleepover party gone wrong - or just a very ambitious nap time for the Army!.
• Headline: 2 CANADIAN LINES PLAN NEW FLIGHTS; They File to Extend Their Respective Services to West Indies and Lisbon Proposed Service to Lisbon. Impact: These new flight plans could have made Canada the go-to destination for all international travelers, resulting in a world where Canadian politeness becomes the standard for all airline staff. Fact: If you think airlines are bad now, just wait until you hear about the 'Great Canadian Flight Bubble'—where everyone is overly apologetic for turbulence!.
• Headline: PANAMA TO CLEAR ITS BILLIONTH TON; Canal Zone Will Fete Cargo Ship Bringing Increment for 42-Year Total. Impact: Celebrating the billionth ton through the Panama Canal could lead to a worldwide celebration of shipping, resulting in a bizarre trend of cargo ships becoming the new floating party venues. Fact: The Panama Canal: proof that if you dig deep enough, you might just strike gold—or at the very least, a billion tons of cargo!.