NOVEMBER 25, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: N.Y.U. Alumni Group Elects Leadership. Impact: By electing O S Marden, the group inadvertently triggered a chain reaction of increasingly ridiculous alumni fundraisers that eventually led to a bake sale for a time machine, proving you can indeed fund anything with enough cookies. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more inflated than alumni donations is the egos of the alumni themselves?.
• Headline: Gibraltar Of the Lakes: Mackinac Mission. Impact: Orr's mission to Mackinac set off a series of events that resulted in every tourist thinking they needed a personal assistant to navigate the Great Lakes. Thanks, Orr, for making vacations more complicated. Fact: Fun fact: the only thing more confusing than navigating the Great Lakes is understanding why they are called 'Gibraltar of the Lakes' when nobody’s ever built a fortress there.
• Headline: Soviet Lists 28,000 Tourists. Impact: The influx of tourists under Intourist led to an explosion of souvenir shops, which in turn sparked a global obsession with fridge magnets. Thanks, Soviet Union, for turning our fridges into art galleries. Fact: Did you know that the USSR had a whole department dedicated to promoting tourism? Apparently, they thought it was much easier to send people to Siberia than to get people to actually like them.
• Headline: Mayor and Wife to Be Hosts at U.N. Tribute; Annual Event to Be Held Dec. 4--Many Aides Are Listed. Impact: This tribute event set a precedent for future politicians to host ridiculously elaborate parties under the guise of diplomacy, leading to a world where global summits are just an excuse for fancy hors d'oeuvres and awkward small talk. Fact: Did you know that hosting a U.N. event is basically just a high-stakes game of 'who can pretend they care the most about international issues'? Spoiler: Everyone loses.
• Headline: Cobalt Cancer Unit Dedicated. Impact: The opening of this unit marked a significant step in cancer treatment, leading to advancements that would eventually save countless lives. The ripple effect of this moment has been felt in countless families who benefited from improved healthcare. Fact: Cancer treatments using cobalt were among the first to target tumors directly, making it a pivotal moment in medical history. Sometimes, science really does save the day.
• Headline: BASIC PLAN KEPT BY WESTCHESTER; Hopkins Asks $5,364,000 for 'No Frill' Improvements-- Tax Rate Within Limit $25,596,430 Outlay in 5 Years. Impact: This budget proposal led to a series of increasingly mundane town hall meetings where residents argued over the merits of sidewalk repair versus park bench placement, thus inspiring a slew of local government memes that will never die. Fact: Did you know that budgeting is the adult equivalent of a kid trying to decide how many toys they can buy with a limited allowance? Spoiler: it's just as painful.
• Headline: DISTORTED WORKS; Show at Metropolitan Raises Some Issues The Problem of Light Two Personal Painters. Impact: This art show inadvertently sparked a million social media arguments about 'what is art?' that continue to this day, proving that nothing brings out the snob in people quite like a little paint on canvas. Fact: Did you know that art critics often spend more time dissecting a single brush stroke than most people spend on their entire college thesis? Clearly, they have their priorities straight.
• Headline: Dudley Observatory Elects. Impact: The election of Drs. Wilson and Fox led to a greater emphasis on astronomy education, which eventually inspired a generation of stargazers who now think they can predict the future based on the alignment of the stars. Good luck with that!. Fact: Did you know that astronomers have been known to make wildly inaccurate predictions about the universe? Turns out, even the stars have a sense of humor!.