NOVEMBER 12, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Technique for Artery Fat Removal. Impact: After the successful artery reaming technique, a series of bizarre fitness fads emerged, including the infamous 'Curette Cardio' class, where participants used miniature curettes while running on treadmills. Millions of people were left confused and slightly more sclerotic.. Fact: Doctors Bailey and May probably didn't anticipate that their surgical success would lead to an entire generation of gym-goers trying to 'cut' their way to fitness..
• Headline: Protests Against Hungary's Soviet Oppression. Impact: The protests against Hungarian repression sparked a global movement for human rights that somehow also led to the rise of the 'armchair activist' – people who tweet but never leave their couches.. Fact: Picketing against repression is great, but did anyone think to picket against bad coffee? Because that would really make a difference..
• Headline: DEVIATION LIMITS IN RED BLOC GIVEN; Suslov Lists Key Conditions That Soviet Expects All Satellites to Follow Differences Granted. Impact: The limits imposed by the USSR on its satellites created a ripple effect, leading to a series of dramatic soap operas in Eastern Europe where nations fought for autonomy but were always interrupted by unexpected Soviet interventions.. Fact: Suslov's list of conditions was probably less of a guideline and more of a 'do not try this at home' warning for aspiring satellite nations..
• Headline: 'LOOTING' BY SOVIET HELD REVOLT FACTOR. Impact: The report on Soviet looting turned into a reality show concept called 'Colonialism: The Lost Episodes,' showcasing the absurd lengths to which the USSR went to maintain control over its colonies.. Fact: Turns out, looting didn’t just disrupt economies; it also disrupted dinner plans as local chefs had to get creative with leftovers..
• Headline: CAPITAL PRESSES POLICY APPRAISAL; Recasting of U.S. Mideast Position Now Being Done Mainly in U.N. Setting Factors Under Consideration. Impact: The U.S. Mideast policy appraisal led to a series of diplomatic blunders that resulted in a new board game called 'Risky Diplomat,' where the goal is to maintain peace while accidentally instigating wars.. Fact: Skepticism from the State Dept just meant more meetings, more paperwork, and of course, more coffee breaks..
• Headline: Bulganin Favorable To 5-Power Parley; BULGANIN FAVORS SWISS PARLEY BID. Impact: Bulganin’s backing of the 5-power conference led to a massive influx of diplomats who were under the impression that they were attending a lavish wine and cheese party instead of a serious political discussion.. Fact: In Soviet Union, the only thing more favorable than a five-power parley is a six-pack of vodka..
• Headline: Paris: It is Eager to Mend Alliance; PARIS IMPATIENT FOR EARLY TALKS Political Unity Weighed.. Impact: France's eagerness to mend alliances inadvertently sparked the creation of a new diplomatic role: the 'Alliance Therapist,' specializing in couples counseling for countries in crisis.. Fact: The French were so eager for unity that they were willing to overlook the fact that they were still bitter about the last time they lent their car to Britain..
• Headline: EISENHOWER PRAYS FOR THE ENSLAVED. Impact: Eisenhower's prayer for the enslaved somehow paved the way for a new trend in political leaders holding prayer breakfasts, creating a severe shortage of pancakes in the nation.. Fact: Who knew that praying for freedom could lead to an uptick in syrup demand? Talk about sticky politics..
• Headline: 4 LISTED FOR SECRETARY; London Express Speculates on Dulles Leaving Post. Impact: Speculation about Dulles leaving his post led to a wave of political gossip so intense that it inspired the first-ever reality show about the State Department, featuring real-life drama and no real solutions.. Fact: In political circles, the only thing more fleeting than a Secretary of State is their credibility when the London Express is on the case..