SEPTEMBER 27, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: Safeway Stores Reports Record Profits. Impact: The doubling of profits at Safeway led to an insatiable demand for grocery store snacks, which ultimately resulted in the invention of the 'snack aisle' as we know it today. Future generations would come to believe that the snack aisle was a birthright, leading to the creation of entire reality TV shows dedicated to people who can't stop eating chips.. Fact: If only Safeway had a time machine to go back and tell people that chips and salsa were a thing, they might have doubled profits again—just kidding, they probably would have just made more money selling frozen dinners!.
• Headline: Dr. Carroll Newsom Named NYU President. Impact: Dr. Newsom's appointment to N.Y.U. led to an influx of students who believed they were destined to be the next great thinkers, but instead just became experts in procrastination and cat memes. This, of course, changed the course of internet culture forever.. Fact: Fun fact: Dr. Newsom's first official act was to create a 'no more than two hours of sleep per night' policy, believing that all great ideas are formed in a caffeine-fueled haze!.
• Headline: Britain's Financial Strategies in 1956. Impact: Macmillan's little chat about curbing the pound had a domino effect, resulting in future generations of economists being born with a sense of dread every time they saw the word 'debt'. It spiraled into a global obsession with financial memes, which ironically helped no one.. Fact: Did you know that curbing the pound is not a euphemism for a diet? Although, if it were, it might have actually made headlines for once!.
• Headline: DEMOCRATS ACCUSED; McConnell Says Some Helped Defeat School Aid Bill. Impact: McConnell's accusations against Democrats became the template for political finger-pointing for decades to come, leading to the invention of the phrase 'blame game', which would later be used by children everywhere to avoid consequences.. Fact: You know you're in a political mess when the most exciting part of the day is watching legislators argue like children fighting over a toy!.
• Headline: West Virginia Pulp & Paper Co. Plans $50,000,000 Expansion; Two Block-Long Machines to Be Installed in Old Mill at Luke, Md., to Increase Output 100 go to 800 Tons a Day PAPER MILL PLANS TO DOUBLE OUTPUT. Impact: The expansion of the West Virginia Pulp & Paper Co. meant that an alarming number of trees were sacrificed for paper. This would later lead to a world where people felt the need to print everything, resulting in a global paper shortage and a rise in 'I can't find my documents' crises.. Fact: At least they didn’t have to worry about people going 'paperless'—that phrase didn't even exist back then! But then again, who could blame them? Paper cuts were the real threat!.
• Headline: 1,100 CALLED IN SLAYING; Ruotolo Case Investigation Covers Store Customers. Impact: The Ruotolo case investigation attracted 1,100 potential witnesses, leading to a new generation of amateur detectives who believed they could solve crimes with nothing but a smartphone and a strong Wi-Fi connection. This eventually culminated in a surge of true crime podcasts.. Fact: It’s rumored that the 1,100 people questioned all thought they were auditioning for a reality show. Spoiler alert: they weren't..
• Headline: Lifton Heads City College Fund. Impact: Lifton's leadership of the City College Fund sparked a frenzy of fundraising events that would lead to a national obsession with charity marathons, fun runs, and bake sales that, while noble, did little to solve the actual financial issues of the schools.. Fact: If Lifton had known that his campaign would inspire a million bake sales, he probably would have opened a bakery instead. Talk about a missed opportunity!.
• Headline: Turnpike Blast Injures Three. Impact: The Turnpike Blast injuring three workers ignited a series of safety regulations that would later be the bane of construction workers everywhere, leading to a world where the phrase 'safety first' became as common as 'where's my coffee?'. Fact: It's said that after this blast, construction workers started a secret society dedicated to avoiding any work that required a hard hat. They called it the 'No Hard Hats Allowed Club'..
• Headline: Boat Missing on Lake Erie. Impact: The missing boat on Lake Erie started a trend of people being way too invested in the drama of missing persons, leading to a culture where everyone thinks they're the next great detective, thanks to their binge-watching habits.. Fact: Did they check under the boat? Or did the boat just decide it needed a vacation? Asking for a friend..
• Headline: CAPITAL INSPECTS BUS; Washingtonians' Views Asked on Air-Conditioned Model. Impact: The inspection of the new air-conditioned bus sparked a revolution in public transportation comfort standards, causing future generations to demand luxury features such as Wi-Fi and reclining seats, leaving transit authorities scrambling to keep up.. Fact: Back in the day, air conditioning was considered a luxury, much like having a personal assistant or knowing how to make a decent cup of coffee!.