AUGUST 10, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Art Curator at Staten Island Museum. Impact: The appointment of R A Davis as Art Curator led to a massive increase in hipster coffee shops, as people suddenly needed somewhere to discuss art while sipping overpriced lattes.. Fact: Curators are basically just glorified art babysitters who throw tantrums when someone touches the art..
• Headline: BEQUEST TO PRINCETON; 40% of Hugh L. Adams Estate to Go to University. Impact: Hugh L. Adams' bequest to Princeton led to the creation of playgrounds, which inspired future generations to think that adulting is just a never-ending quest for the best slide.. Fact: Nothing says ‘I care’ like a bequest that turns into a playground. It’s like leaving your kids a treasure map to a candy store..
• Headline: Net Up 62 Million In Member Banks Of Reserve System; Gross Earnings Up. Impact: The Federal Reserve's profits report caused a butterfly effect that led to a global obsession with economic jargon, making finance memes a thing... you're welcome, internet.. Fact: Gross earnings are just fancy banker-ese for 'Hey, look how much we can hoard while pretending to care about the economy!'.
• Headline: College Appoints President. Impact: Bro Ambrose's appointment as college president set off a series of increasingly bizarre college traditions, including mandatory toga parties and extreme napping competitions.. Fact: Becoming a college president is like being elected the chief cat herder—everyone has ideas, but nobody wants to actually do anything..
• Headline: 13 SAVED AFTER CRASH; Burma Airliner Survivors Are All Hurt--Plane Carried 22. Impact: The crash of the Burma Airliner led to stricter safety regulations, which ultimately resulted in the invention of the inflatable life jacket—thank you, karma.. Fact: In aviation, crashes are just the universe’s way of reminding us that gravity still works, no matter how many movies we watch..
• Headline: SACHS EXPLAINS FINDINGS ON JEWS; Says Fingerprints Show Only Similarities but Do Not Mean All Are Alike. Impact: Sachs's study on fingerprints sparked a wave of conspiracy theories, leading to wild claims that we all share secret alien DNA—because why not?. Fact: Scientific studies are often just a way for researchers to keep their jobs and make us question everything we thought we knew about ourselves..
• Headline: SENATORS TO SELL BEER; Griffith Stadium Gets License, Ending 55-Year Dry Era. Impact: The Washington Senators selling beer led to a national pastime of getting tipsy at baseball games, which is the real reason for the seventh-inning stretch.. Fact: Selling beer at baseball games is basically a win-win: they get your money, and you get to forget your worries... until Monday morning..