JULY 30, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: Brandeis University Supports the Arts. Impact: By promoting the arts, Brandeis U. inadvertently sparks a global obsession with interpretive dance and avant-garde poetry, resulting in a decade of confused audiences and awkward dinner parties. Fact: Brandeis was actually founded by the Jewish community in 1948; you know, back when people thought 'aiding the arts' wouldn’t lead to a rise in hipster beards and overpriced coffee.
• Headline: Funding Bolsters Heart Disease Research. Impact: These grants lead to the development of a highly effective heart medication that causes everyone to fall in love with their own hearts, resulting in a society obsessed with selfies and self-love. Fact: They say the heart is a complex organ. It’s also the reason many people can't change a flat tire without crying.
• Headline: Senators to Study Old Age. Impact: These senators' deep dive into aging leads to a nationwide campaign highlighting the importance of elder care, but somehow ends up with them inventing the ‘Senior Citizen Discount’—the greatest money-saving scheme since coupons. Fact: Senators studying old age? Sounds like a very long-term commitment to procrastination when they could be fixing issues right now.
• Headline: Summary of the Court Commission's Plan; Judicial Conference Supreme Procedure for Magistrates Structure for City District Organization. Impact: This convoluted plan results in more bureaucratic red tape than anyone can handle, leading to a future where people spend more time filling out forms than actually getting justice. Fact: Court procedures are like that one friend who always wants to discuss the most boring topics at dinner: nobody really wants to, but here we are.
• Headline: HODGE AIDE DENIES GUILT; Illinos 'Glorified Messenger' Says He Was Stupid. Impact: This scandal leads to a wave of 'glorified' positions in workplaces everywhere, where suddenly everyone thinks their title should include 'ninja' or 'rockstar.'. Fact: When being a 'glorified messenger' is your defense, maybe it's time to rethink your career choices. Just saying.
• Headline: KENNEDY REPORTS JUVENILE CRIMES UP 41.3% IN YEAR; Police Head Calls Progress 'Snail-Like' in Study of First Half of 1956 WANTS 5,000 MORE MEN 'Patrolman on Post' Termed Best Protection--Total of Offenses Up 4.3% in City Finds Gains Are Small JUVENILE CRIMES UP 41.3% IN YEAR 45,255 Major Crimes. Impact: This alarming report leads to an overreaction that creates a generation of overly cautious parents who think every trip to the park is a crime scene waiting to happen. Fact: Juvenile crime rates rising? Must be all that time kids are spending not playing outside—thank you, technology!.