JULY 20, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: Neutralist Movement Gains Momentum. Impact: This meeting of neutralists led to the creation of a secret society of neutralist superheroes who, unbeknownst to history, prevented several unnecessary wars. They still meet in a hidden location, sipping chamomile tea while discussing the merits of passive resistance. Fact: Nehru once tried to make a neutralist cape out of silk, but it just ended up looking like a fancy tablecloth.
• Headline: Wisconsin May Cancel LSU Football Series. Impact: The cancellation of football games due to racial exclusion ultimately led to the formation of an underground football league where players could express themselves freely, culminating in the modern-day 'Football for All' movement, which is mostly just people playing in their backyards. Fact: The only thing more dangerous than a cancelled football season? A cancelled football season where fans start knitting instead.
• Headline: Ex-Highway Chief R.J. Abbott Dies. Impact: R.J. Abbott's untimely demise while driving brought forth a wave of heart health awareness. Ironically, his heart attack became the catalyst for the invention of the 'Drive Safe, Live Heartily' campaign, which, funnily enough, never included a disclaimer about driving without a heart condition. Fact: In Abbott's time, 'heart attack' was just a euphemism for getting too excited about a game of bridge.
• Headline: STRAUSS ASSERTS FALL-OUT DANGER CAN BE LOCALIZED; Report to President on Atom Tests Also Cites Progress on New Nuclear Arms Sees Gains From Tests CURB ON FALL-OUT CALLED POSSIBLE Low Blasts More Dangerous TEXT OF STATEMENT. Impact: Strauss's assertions about localizing fall-out led to a bizarre series of experiments where scientists attempted to create localized weather patterns, which accidentally resulted in an uninvited snowstorm in July. The scientists now host summer snowball fights annually. Fact: They say that if you can survive an atomic test, you can survive anything—except maybe a local snowstorm in July.
• Headline: SENATE REJECTS BILL FOR U.S. DAM AT HELL'S CANYON; Vote of 51-41 Upholds Move by the Administration for Private Utility Job CALLED MAJOR VICTORY 8 Democrats Help Defeat Party-Backed Measure-- House Defers Action. Impact: The Senate's rejection of this dam project sparked a wave of 'dam' jokes across the nation. Ironically, it led to a rise in civil engineers who specialized in making puns instead of dams—an unforeseen career path. Fact: The only thing more shocking than a rejected dam bill? The number of dad jokes that sprang from it.
• Headline: HEBREW FACULTIES ADD FIVE MEMBERS. Impact: The addition of five new members to Hebrew faculties inadvertently sparked the Great Faculty Feud of academia, where departments engaged in playful pranks that escalated into actual academic rivalries—think 'Mean Girls' meets 'The Faculty'. Fact: Rumor has it one of the new members brought in a pet ferret, which quickly became the unofficial mascot of the faculty.
• Headline: BUDGET BALANCED, REVENUE A RECORD; 1.7 Billion U.S. Surplus First Since '51--Spending and Income Top Estimates. Impact: This balanced budget not only led to a brief moment of national pride but also inspired the infamous 'Budget Balancing Act' where citizens attempted to balance their own books, resulting in widespread panic and the eventual creation of a reality TV show called 'Keeping Up with the Budget'. Fact: People spent so much time balancing budgets that they forgot how to balance their checkbooks—whoops!.
• Headline: Books of The Times; How Five Wielded Scepter. Impact: Morris's book on the Tudors led to an unexpected resurgence in interest in Renaissance fairs, where people dressed as royals compete for the title of 'Best Tudor Impression'—spoiler: it usually involves a lot of bad wigs. Fact: The Tudors were so popular that even their bad hair days became a trend—who knew history could be so fashionable?.