JULY 19, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dulles on Armed Forces Reduction Debate. Impact: Dulles' indecision led to military reductions that, through a series of increasingly poor decisions, eventually resulted in a national shortage of camouflage pants, forcing soldiers to wear brightly colored Hawaiian shirts in the field. Who knew a fashion faux pas could lead to international incidents?. Fact: Dulles was known for his diplomacy, but let's be real – if he had just taken a stand instead of passing the buck, we might have avoided a lot of awkward military fashion trends..
• Headline: Nurserymen's Groups Elect New Leadership. Impact: The election of A. Dalsimer sparked a revolution in the nursery industry, eventually leading to plants developing their own political parties. The first one, known as the 'Green Thumb Alliance,' aimed to bring attention to plant rights – who knew they had such aspirations?. Fact: Nurserymen have been electing presidents since time immemorial – mostly because someone has to decide which plants get the best sun spots..
• Headline: POLICE MAP PLANS FOR EMERGENCIES; Details Are Worked Out for Floods, Hurricanes, Tidal Waves, Street Tie-Ups Key Streets Listed. Impact: The police mapping out emergency plans inadvertently resulted in the creation of an underground 'how not to get caught in a flood' guide, which became a bestseller for disaster lovers everywhere.. Fact: If only they had also planned for the inevitable 'traffic jam due to confused drivers staring at a map' emergency..
• Headline: DULLES TO AID G.O.P. WRITE POLICY PLANK. Impact: Dulles' involvement in the GOP platform led to a series of increasingly convoluted policies that resulted in the phrase 'Dulles knows best' becoming a meme long before memes were a thing – thus paving the way for future political absurdities.. Fact: If Dulles had a dollar for every time he helped write a policy without taking a stand, he could probably fund his own political party – one that focuses on indecisiveness..
• Headline: AUTO BILL CLEARED; House Unit Amends Measure Allowing Dealers to Sue. Impact: The amendment allowing dealers to sue resulted in a secret society of car dealers forming, dedicated to plotting the downfall of anyone who dared question their markups. Conspiracy theories abounded regarding the mysterious 'Dealer's Code'.. Fact: This was the same time car salesmen started wearing flashy suits – coincidence? I think not; they were preparing for their new roles as courtroom heroes..
• Headline: TWO MEN INDICTED IN WEINBERGER HOAX. Impact: The Weinberger hoax incident led to a nationwide suspicion of all things 'abduction', causing people to double-check their pizza deliveries for hidden kidnappers. Pizza never tasted the same after that.. Fact: The hoax was so outlandish that Hollywood considered making a movie based on it, but they quickly realized reality was already more absurd than anything they could concoct..
• Headline: INDIAN STATE ASKS MISSIONARY CURBS; Madhya Pradesh Report Says Foreign Evangelists Are a Threat to Security. Impact: The push for missionary curbs led to an underground network of missionaries trying to outsmart the system, eventually giving rise to a new genre of espionage novels: 'Missionaries on the Run'.. Fact: Madhya Pradesh's request could have sparked a global trend in religious freedom debates – or at least a lot of awkward dinner conversations..
• Headline: COVER-UP ON G.O.P. CHARGED TO PRESS; McNamara Says Newspapers and Hagerty Twist Facts on President's Health. Impact: This accusation led to the creation of a 'media watchdog' group, which ironically became known for turning a blind eye to actual news. The irony was not lost on anyone – except maybe the watchdogs.. Fact: McNamara's conspiracy theories about a press cover-up were so wild they could have been the plot of a political thriller – too bad reality was funnier than fiction..