JULY 13, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: Riesel's Nomination for State Position. Impact: If Riesel had actually been appointed, New York might have seen a sudden uptick in anti-narcotic legislation, leading to a bizarre butterfly effect where the state's coffee became illegal, because, you know, caffeine is a drug too.. Fact: Riesel never got the post, probably because he was too busy urging for a state post instead of actually applying..
• Headline: Tunney Leads New PAL Alumni Association. Impact: Tunney's new role could have led to a revival of childhood games, sparking a nationwide trend of adult tag leagues, but instead, it just made more people reminisce about the good old days when life was simpler.. Fact: The PAL Alumni Assn likely just wanted free pizza and to reminisce about their glory days—which is basically what all alumni associations are about..
• Headline: RADFORD SEEKING 800,000-MAN CUT; 3 SERVICES RESIST; 1960 IS HIS GOAL Dispute Brings Order to Delay Plans Until After Election Study Is 2 Months Old President's Support Seen RADFORD SEEKING 800,000-MAN CUT Army at 1,030,000 Men. Impact: Adm Radford’s proposed cuts might have led to a secret society of ex-military officers starting a new life as yoga instructors—because, who wouldn’t want their Zen led by someone who knows how to handle a grenade?. Fact: The military's 'cut the fat' approach is less about personnel and more about trying to fit into last season's uniforms. Spoiler alert: they didn’t..
• Headline: THE SHAH LEAVES MOSCOW. Impact: The Shah's departure from Moscow could have triggered a series of hasty diplomatic meetings, leading to a worldwide shortage of diplomatic handshakes, as everyone was too busy practicing their 'serious face' for photo ops.. Fact: The Shah's return home was probably a much more significant event than any of his Moscow meetings—especially considering the Moscow airport coffee is notoriously terrible..
• Headline: CITY HALL OF 1812 IS REDEDICATED; New Yorkers Honor Their Refurbished City Hall. Impact: Rededicating City Hall in 1812 could have inspired a trend of refurbishing historical buildings, turning New York into a theme park of its own history—complete with actors dressed as historical figures giving guided tours that no one asked for.. Fact: City Hall has probably witnessed more drama than a Netflix series; it's just that the actors were in powdered wigs instead of trendy outfits..
• Headline: 1,000 Reward Offered For Marlowe Evidence. Impact: Offering a reward for Marlowe evidence might have sparked conspiracy theories about Shakespeare being a front for a group of writers who couldn’t agree on a pen name, leading to a future where writers are constantly surveilled.. Fact: Some scholars still argue over who really wrote Shakespeare's plays, while others are still trying to figure out why we care so much about dead playwrights..
• Headline: Nassau Mail Carriers Take On Defense Load. Impact: Mail carriers taking on a defense load could have led to a bizarre crossover where postal workers became the unsung heroes of national security, creating a new superhero genre where mailmen don capes and deliver packages with military precision.. Fact: Civil defense drills probably just gave mailmen an excuse to wear their uniforms outside of work—because nothing says 'I deliver your mail' like practicing for an air raid..
• Headline: Lehigh U. Names Health Head. Impact: By naming Col McCoy as health head, Lehigh University may have inadvertently set a precedent that all health heads in higher education need to have military ranks, resulting in a generation of students too intimidated to visit the campus health center.. Fact: Naming someone with the title 'Col' in a health position is just asking for a medical approach that might involve more drills than actual check-ups..
• Headline: SUSPENSION IS LIFTED; A.A.U. Removes William and Mary Ban in Santee Case. Impact: Lifting the suspension against William and Mary could have paved the way for an unexpected athletic rivalry, where teams actually cared about playing fair for once—but let’s be honest, that probably didn’t happen.. Fact: The AAU's suspensions are about as effective as a diet on New Year's Day—everyone's excited for a bit, but it’s back to business as usual in no time..