JUNE 12, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: Stock Market Declines in May 1956. Impact: This stock market dip led to an influx of amateur investors, who thought they could beat the system with 'hot tips' from their uncle Bob, resulting in an entire generation of self-proclaimed finance gurus wearing Hawaiian shirts and giving unsolicited advice.. Fact: The average price drop of 5.9% is just enough to make everyone panic sell and blame their horoscope..
• Headline: RAIL ENGINEERS MEET; Union Said to Oppose Dropping Firemen From Diesels. Impact: The union's resistance to dropping firemen from diesels led to a worldwide shortage of mustaches and overalls, as engineers everywhere protested the loss of their trusty companions.. Fact: Who knew that firemen were the unsung heroes of train travel? Next, we’ll find out they were also responsible for the invention of the selfie stick..
• Headline: BAUM WRITE-IN TALLIED; 995 Votes on Liberal Line Shown in Official Count. Impact: The 995 votes for Baum somehow led to a bizarre twist in history where write-in candidates became a thing, and now we have a reality star as a president. Thanks, Baum!. Fact: 995 votes must be a record for 'most votes for a candidate nobody knows.'.
• Headline: '21' Brands Buys Distillery. Impact: The acquisition of a distillery by '21' Brands triggered a massive increase in cocktail parties, where people pretended to enjoy whiskey while secretly wondering if they could just stick to wine.. Fact: '21' Brands: because sometimes you just need a buzz to forget about your day job..
• Headline: Text of Address by the Publisher of The Times at Knox Commencement; New Chapter Is Opening You Are on Your Own Danger is Present Responsibility Key Word Voice of the People Second Phase of 'Cold War' Requirements Are High Confidence Is Cited. Impact: The commencement address led to a surge in students believing they could single-handedly take on global issues, resulting in a decade of overzealous activism and way too many tie-dye shirts.. Fact: ‘Voice of the People’ is just code for ‘let’s blame the government for everything’—classic..
• Headline: PAYROLL MONEY VOTED IN CANADA; Opposition Gives Its Consent While Insisting St. Laurent Dissolve Parliament. Impact: The budget approval sparked a national debate about fiscal responsibility, which ultimately led to a series of government shutdowns that made everyone wish they had just voted for a candy bar instead.. Fact: A $300 million budget is like a drop in the ocean for a government that spends like it's on a shopping spree at a clearance sale..
• Headline: CYPRIOTE TO URGE TALKS IN LONDON; Church Aide to Seek Release of Exiled Makarios So New Parleys Can Be Held. Impact: Kranidiotis' plea for talks resulted in decades of diplomatic negotiations, where the only thing agreed upon was everyone’s mutual dislike for lengthy meetings and coffee breaks.. Fact: Exiled leaders have a strange way of becoming martyrs—makes you wonder if they just want a vacation from their responsibilities..
• Headline: ATOM TEST GAINS CITED; A.E.C. Lauds Current Series --Calls Detonations Small. Impact: The praise for small atom tests led to a spike in conspiracy theories about government experiments, resulting in an entire generation of tin-foil hat enthusiasts who still believe the moon landing was staged.. Fact: When the A.E.C. says 'small tests,' they clearly mean 'let's see how many people we can confuse about nuclear energy.'.