MAY 22, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: Civic Opposition to 30th St Road Plan. Impact: The opposition to the road plan sparked a global trend of urban planners seeking out obscure tunnels to build instead of roads. Now, instead of traffic jams, we just have mysterious cave-ins.. Fact: Fun fact: People have protested for worse things than road plans. Like pineapple on pizza..
• Headline: SELLING CALLED NEW CHALLENGE; Industrial Advertising Men Told Merchandising Must Race With Technology. Impact: The challenge of industrial advertising led to the birth of the infamous 'Ad Ninja,' a shadowy figure who whispers marketing strategies to unsuspecting businesses, thereby forever changing the landscape of consumerism.. Fact: Did you know that advertising is just like dating? You have to sell yourself, but if you oversell, you're ghosted..
• Headline: AUTO UNIONS MAP WORLD-WIDE AIM; They Decide in Paris to Strive to Harmonize Pacts With Ford and General Motors No Comment in Detroit. Impact: The auto unions' decision to harmonize their pacts actually led to the creation of the world's first 'Car Symphony,' where cars play classical music as they drive down the highway. It's a real 'tune-up' for the ears!. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing louder than a car engine is the collective sigh of a mechanic when they hear 'check engine light.'.
• Headline: DIARIES SAY WHITE FOUGHT CHINA LOAN. Impact: The diaries revealing White's opposition to the China loan led to the establishment of a secret underground club for diary writers who want to influence global finance with their personal musings. Spoiler: it's not working.. Fact: Did you know that diaries are just journals for people who don't want to pay a therapist?.
• Headline: Noted Architect Elected Trustee of Art Museum. Impact: L.G. White's election as trustee resulted in a secret art movement where architects began creating art installations made entirely of blueprints and leftover building materials. Critics are still trying to figure out what it all means.. Fact: Did you know that art is just an excuse for people to stare at their feelings until they cry? It’s cheaper than therapy!.
• Headline: Vanderbilt Stable Sells Thirty-Three Race Horses for $563,700 at Auction; SOMETIME THING BRINGS $100,000 Stone Buys 4-Year-Old Filly as Sales Average $17,081 Per Head at Belmont Victor in Eleven Races Neighs, Whinnies and Cautions List of Vanderbilt Sales. Impact: The sale of racehorses for a whopping sum led to a bizarre trend of wealthy individuals attempting to train their house pets to race, resulting in the annual 'Pawlympics' where poodles compete for the title of 'Fastest Fluff'.. Fact: Did you know that the fastest animal on land is not a horse, but a cheetah? But you won't see that at Belmont!.
• Headline: RED BLOC EXPORTS TO WEST RISE 35%; Much of Increase Is Result of Trade With Countries in Asia and Africa Concentrate on Industry RED BLOC EXPORTS TO WEST RISE 35%. Impact: The rise of Red Bloc exports led to a secret alliance of Asian and African countries who now trade in 'mystery goods,' which are basically just things no one wants—like expired yogurt.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more confusing than international trade agreements is trying to understand why someone would buy expired yogurt..