MAY 2, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: Investigation into ILA-Teamsters Pact Abandonment. Impact: This investigation led to a series of labor disputes that ultimately forced companies to adopt more progressive policies, which in turn inspired a 2070 sitcom about union workers who become time travelers to save the future of labor rights. Fact: The only thing more complex than labor agreements is trying to get a group of herding cats to agree on dinner.
• Headline: New Board Members for Commerce Association. Impact: The election of these six directors led to a chain reaction of favorable policies for businesses, which eventually resulted in the creation of a board game where players compete to take over the world... of commerce. Fact: Six new directors? Wow, that’s one more than zero!.
• Headline: WRITER FILES SUIT FOR U.S. PASSPORT. Impact: This writer's struggle for a passport set off a wave of artistic rebellion that inspired future generations to create underground movements, including one that only communicated through interpretive dance. Fact: If only he knew that a non-Communist affidavit would one day become a trendy Instagram bio.
• Headline: WILSON CONCEDES SOVIET LEADS U.S. IN H-BOMB PLANES; Refuses to Accept LeMay's View of 'GO Russian Edge in Long-Range Craft New Interceptors On Way Wilson Concedes Soviet Produces H-Bomb Planes at a 'Higher Rate' A Delay on Clearance. Impact: The acknowledgment of Soviet advancements in H-bomb planes led to a panic that spawned the genre of dystopian films, ultimately making us all paranoid about our microwaves. Fact: This is a perfect example of how acknowledging someone else's success can lead to an existential crisis.
• Headline: TAILOR, 72, IS BEATEN; Victim Works for Father of Man Who Identified Sutton. Impact: The beating of the tailor was a catalyst for community action, eventually inspiring a new fashion trend: 'Street Style Against Violence,' which ironically became a hit on the catwalks. Fact: You know things are bad when even the local tailors are getting caught in the crossfire.
• Headline: ZHUKOV FOR AMITY WITH ALL NATIONS; His May Day Speech Stresses Soviet Peace Aim--Arms Parade Is Kept Short Role of Party Hailed ZHUKOV FOR AMITY WITH ALL NATIONS Tractor-Drawn Artillery. Impact: Zhukov’s speech about peace ironically triggered a series of global arms races, leading to a future where people throw peace parties filled with weapons—because who doesn’t love a good irony?. Fact: When they say peace, they mean 'let's keep the fireworks for later.'.
• Headline: MOTORS, COPPERS DEPRESS MARKET; But Late Upturn Led by Oils, Aluminums and Aircrafts Cuts Over-All Decline AVERAGE OFF 0.55 POINT, Volume Dips to 2,500,000-- 594 Issues Down, 381 Up --Ex-Cell-O Jumps 6 73 Highs, 60 Lows. Impact: The market's depression led to the creation of a new economic theory that claims if you wait long enough, markets will eventually go up—like waiting for a bus that never arrives. Fact: If only the stock market could learn a thing or two about stability from your average rollercoaster.
• Headline: South Africa Votes Union Bias. Impact: The approval of the union bias bill eventually led to the rise of a labor movement that inspired a future of unionized cats—because even felines deserve fair treatment. Fact: South Africa’s union bias: where everyone gets a vote, unless you're a cat.
• Headline: Philadelphia Has Tax Gain. Impact: The tax gain in Philadelphia set off a series of budget debates that spawned a reality show about tax collectors, proving once and for all that no one can resist a good financial drama. Fact: Tax gain: the only gain that makes you feel like you've lost money.