APRIL 5, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sultan and Franco Begin Peace Talks. Impact: If only the Sultan had known that freeing Morocco would lead to tourists flocking to Marrakech for overpriced mint tea decades later, perhaps he would have thought twice. Thanks, Franco!. Fact: The Imperial Order of Yoke and Arrows awarded to the Sultan is basically a fancy way of saying, 'Congratulations on your colonial struggles!'.
• Headline: Collective Bargaining as Prosperity Key. Impact: Ah yes, collective bargaining—a concept that would eventually lead to entire workplaces banding together to demand better coffee in the break room, one union at a time.. Fact: Collective bargaining is like a group project where everyone gets to complain about the person who didn't do their part, but at least you all get to share the blame!.
• Headline: Phone Operators Change Union. Impact: The shift in unions for phone operators will eventually lead to the glorious era of telemarketers, who will haunt your dreams for decades to come. Thanks for that!. Fact: This change is basically the precursor to all those annoying robocalls you love to ignore while binge-watching your favorite show..
• Headline: Westinghouse Estimates Loss In First Quarter at $16 Million; Westinghouse Head Faces Union Attack at Meeting. Impact: Westinghouse's financial woes would be the catalyst for countless corporate restructuring meetings, most of which would go absolutely nowhere. Welcome to the corporate world!. Fact: The 'union attack' sounds like a really aggressive sports team name. Perhaps they should have branded themselves better!.
• Headline: ODRIA IS KEEPING PERU IN SUSPENSE; President Has Yet to Name His Choice as a Successor to Run in June 3 Election Wants to Name Successor APRA Allowed to Emerge. Impact: Odria’s indecision about a successor would pave the way for political drama that rivals any soap opera. The suspense was almost unbearable... or not.. Fact: Nothing says strong leadership like leaving everyone in suspense about who’s going to take your job!.
• Headline: SOVIET ASKS U.S. TO SPECIFY DATES FOR CUT IN ARMS; Gromyko Poses 8 Questions on Draft Treaty--Stassen May Offer Reply Today Stassen May Reply Today SOVIET ASKS DATA ON U.S. ARMS PLAN. Impact: Gromyko's request for clarity on arms reductions would eventually lead to more diplomatic meetings than anyone could count, resulting in the world's longest game of 'telephone.'. Fact: The eight questions posed by Gromyko were likely just a clever ruse to make everyone else feel underqualified in their own conversations..
• Headline: STREET CLEANING TEST; Upper East Side Motorists Cooperate in Experiment. Impact: The cooperation of motorists in a street cleaning test would eventually lead to the development of entire urban planning strategies that still never seem to work out. Bravo!. Fact: Good cooperation is just another way of saying, 'We hope you don’t mind moving your car so we can pretend we’re cleaning the streets!'.
• Headline: BOTH PARTIES SEE GAIN IN WISCONSIN; Vote Trend Indicates Farm Unrest and Milwaukee Republican Strength BOTH PARTIES SEE GAIN IN WISCONSIN. Impact: The shifting political landscape in Wisconsin would foreshadow future elections where farm unrest becomes synonymous with endless campaign ads filled with cows and corn.. Fact: Nothing screams political gain like a good farm unrest story—because who doesn’t love a good cow-based scandal?.
• Headline: Second Oil Pipeline Is Planned By Southern Pacific Railraod; California-Nevada Project Is Part of Carrier's Policy of Losing Business to Itself. Impact: The planning of a second oil pipeline by Southern Pacific would lead to a future of environmental debates, oil spills, and a world where everyone pretends they know what fracking really means.. Fact: Losing business to itself is a bold strategy; perhaps they were just trying to keep their competitors on their toes—while simultaneously drilling into the ground..