MARCH 24, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: Showcase of One-Act Plays at Cinema Club. Impact: If only Mary had chosen a different fairy costume, we might have avoided the rise of overly dramatic reality TV shows. Thanks, Mary!. Fact: One-act plays are like fast food for the theater world—quick, sometimes satisfying, and often regrettable later..
• Headline: Mundt Highlights Electoral Challenges. Impact: Senator Mundt’s musings on 'Mr. Stumblebum' undoubtedly inspired a long line of bumbling politicians who don’t know how to use a GPS, let alone lead a nation.. Fact: The phrase 'Mr. Stumblebum' was originally coined as a warning for anyone involved in a three-legged race..
• Headline: Paper Mill Threatened by Union. Impact: The union's threat to strike might have accidentally led to the invention of the coffee break, forever changing workplace dynamics and making it acceptable to procrastinate.. Fact: The last time a paper mill was threatened by a union was also the last time someone tried to convince me that paper cuts weren't a serious issue..
• Headline: JOHNSON CRITICIZES G. O. P. ON ELDERLY. Impact: Senator Johnson’s critique likely caused a ripple effect of politicians trying to sound compassionate about the elderly without actually having to do anything about it. Classic!. Fact: In a shocking twist, politicians have been known to talk about senior citizens without actually knowing any. Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: LOW PAY IS CALLED BOON TO LOBBYISTS. Impact: This revelation about lobbyists probably resulted in a spike in the number of people who suddenly started taking up lobbying as a career, proving that low pay can indeed inspire questionable choices.. Fact: Lobbying is just like a game of Monopoly, except instead of fake money, you use real money to buy influence. Fun, right?.
• Headline: British Lean to Arms Sale To Israel to Check Egypt; Arab Initiative Feared BRITAIN LEANING TO ARMING ISRAEL Czech Instructors Cited Cairo Maintains Silence. Impact: British arms sales to Israel may have inadvertently inspired a long line of geopolitical messes, including a sudden influx of amateur international relations experts on social media.. Fact: Selling arms is like having a yard sale, except the items are potentially explosive and the neighbors are way more concerned..
• Headline: AGREEMENT NEAR ON U. N. ATOM UNIT; Final Draft Possible in April on Peaceful Use Plan AGREEMENT NEAR ON U.N. ATOM UNIT Wide Agreements Reached Veto Power Excluded. Impact: This near agreement on the U.N. atom unit likely delayed the eventual creation of the world's most awkward dinner parties, where everyone argues about nuclear power over quiche.. Fact: The U.N. negotiations on peaceful use of nuclear energy are about as peaceful as a family reunion with a table full of board games..