MARCH 16, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ulbricht's Health Crisis in 1956. Impact: Ulbricht's heart attack sparked a wave of sympathetic memes that would later inspire the 'Crying Cat' phenomenon. Who knew that a health scare could lead to such a major internet trend?. Fact: Heart attacks can be serious, but they can also be a powerful reminder that even the most hardened criminals are human. Or at least that's what they say.
• Headline: Ex-Newsman Declares Against Communism. Impact: F Meyers denying his communist ties sent shockwaves through the conspiracy theory community, leading to the rise of 'Meyerism,' a cult that believes in an alternate reality where everyone is a secret communist but just won’t admit it. Fact: It's funny how the accusation of being a communist was the biggest scandal back then. Now, people are just like, 'Communist? Sounds like a Tuesday!'.
• Headline: LABOR UNIT DELAYS ENTRY OF 2 UNIONS. Impact: The delay of the two unions paved the way for a completely unrelated increase in craft beer consumption among union members, who needed something to do while waiting. Fact: With 72 affiliates, you’d think they could just form a union for people waiting on other unions. The waiting union, if you will.
• Headline: Holmes Lecturer Named. Impact: Justice Schaefer's appointment to give the Holmes Lecture resulted in a newfound interest in law school lectures that would eventually lead to the creation of 'Law School Dropout' podcasts. Fact: Holmes Lectures are so renowned that even the chairs in the auditorium have their own fan clubs. I mean, who doesn't love a good seat?.
• Headline: Iran Rejects Soviet Protest. Impact: Iran's rejection of the Soviet protest led to a series of misunderstandings that sparked a game of international telephone, resulting in the phrase 'Espionage? What espionage?' becoming a popular catchphrase. Fact: Rejecting a protest is like saying no to a second helping of dessert. You might regret it later, but at the moment, it feels pretty good.
• Headline: CAUTION ADVISED IN DRUG THERAPY; Psychiatrists Praise Aids to Reducing Child Anxiety but Urge Care in Dosage Side Effects Stressed Benzedrine Praised. Impact: The cautionary advice in drug therapy led to a generation of overly cautious parents who thought giving their kids a single Tylenol was akin to launching them into space without a helmet. Fact: Benzedrine was once so popular, people were practically marketing it as the miracle drug of the century. Kind of like kale, but with a more stimulating side effect.
• Headline: Ballet; Ashton's 'Illuminations' at the City Center. Impact: Ashton’s 'Illuminations' revolutionized ballet, leading to a series of interpretative dance classes where participants expressed their feelings about taxes through pirouettes and pliés. Fact: If you think ballet is just about pretty movements, you're wrong. It's also about avoiding taxes in style. Who knew the arts could be so practical?.
• Headline: Grant Use of L.I. Boardwalk. Impact: The court's decision to grant use of the boardwalk led to a massive increase in beachside yoga practices, which were later co-opted by influencers and turned into a lucrative online course. Fact: Who knew that property disputes could lead to a yoga revolution? Next thing you know, they’ll be charging for boardwalk meditation sessions.
• Headline: Oasis--Wet or Dry?. Impact: The vote on Oasis's dry status led to a nationwide debate on hydration, resulting in the invention of the 'Hydration Challenge,' where people posted pictures of their water bottles on social media. Fact: Oasis voting on being dry is like deciding whether to add salt to your water. Spoiler alert: it's all about the flavor—or lack thereof!.