DECEMBER 23, 1955

Full News Archive

• Headline: NYS Regents Scholarships Awarded to Students. Impact: The 100 students who got state scholarships went on to form a secret society of overachievers, manipulating the stock market from their college dorms, leading to the Great Recession. Thanks, education system!. Fact: Did you know that the average state scholarship is just enough to cover textbooks? Because what's college without crippling debt?.
• Headline: Lodge Discusses U.N. Gains and Communism. Impact: Lodge's defense of the U.N. deal sparked a massive wave of international debates, resulting in the invention of the phrase 'let's table that.' The world has been table-ing things ever since.. Fact: Did you know that the U.N. has more committees than a high school with too many clubs? Just imagine the endless meetings!.
• Headline: New Off-Broadway Theatre. Impact: The opening of a new Off-Broadway theatre led to an explosion of artistic expression, resulting in a generation of pretentious hipsters who now write monologues about their gluten-free diets.. Fact: Did you know that Off-Broadway shows are the perfect place to find your next existential crisis? Just bring a thesaurus!.
• Headline: MRS. W. H. HAGEN DIES; Artist Who Had Exhibited Here Was Widow of Lawyer. Impact: Mrs. W. H. Hagen’s passing left a gaping hole in the art community, leading to a worldwide shortage of fine art critiques—everyone started to think that splashing paint on a canvas made them Picasso.. Fact: Did you know that artists often say they 'died' for their art? In Mrs. Hagen's case, it seems she really took it to heart..
• Headline: GIRL, 17, WINS CONTEST; Voice of Democracy Victor Will Compete Nationally. Impact: E. Rubenstein's victory in the Voice of Democracy contest sparked a wave of teenage activism, leading to the creation of the world's most dramatic school debate teams. Now they all argue about TikTok trends.. Fact: Did you know that the Voice of Democracy contest is basically America's way of finding the next TikTok influencer? History repeats itself!.
• Headline: GEORGE PLACE. Impact: George Place's name has since faded into obscurity, but it led to the creation of countless 'Place' names across the country—because why not honor a random guy with a dull name?. Fact: Did you know that 'Place' is the most generic name you can choose? It's like calling your dog 'Dog.'.
• Headline: BARNES CONDEMNS COUNCIL PAY RISES; Democrats Answer Blistering Attack in Like Spirit -- Capital Budget Passed. Impact: Barnes' condemnation of council pay rises led to a long-standing tradition of politicians fighting over who gets to pocket more taxpayer cash, resulting in the phrase 'politics as usual.'. Fact: Did you know that council meetings are basically the adult version of 'who can yell the loudest'? It's riveting stuff!.
• Headline: WHO'S THE COLONIALIST NOW?. Impact: The accusation of the USSR being the greatest colonial power led to a global game of blame-shifting, ultimately resulting in countless geopolitical memes. Who knew history could be so meme-worthy?. Fact: Did you know that calling someone a colonialist is basically the historical equivalent of throwing a shade bomb? Classic!.