NOVEMBER 26, 1955

Full News Archive

• Headline: Jet Tanks Fall Over Newport, Del.. Impact: If that jet tank had hit a taco truck instead of a building, we might have witnessed the birth of a revolutionary fast-food chain that could have changed the culinary landscape forever. Thanks, National Guard, for not ruining tacos!. Fact: Did you know that jet tanks are not the best building materials? Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: Cross Resigns from I.C.C. Leadership. Impact: Cross’s resignation led to a power vacuum that eventually allowed an obscure senator to rise to prominence, ultimately resulting in a future where that senator's cat has its own Instagram account. Thanks, I.C.C.!. Fact: Fun fact: Resigning under pressure is like taking a break from a bad relationship—often leads to another bad relationship down the line..
• Headline: Celebrating Harvey G. Luce's Legacy. Impact: The impact of Luce's existence is profound; historians now believe that he inspired countless people to change their names in hopes of gaining fame. The 'Luce Effect' is a documented phenomenon!. Fact: Harvey G. Luce may not have invented the light bulb, but he definitely illuminated the path to mediocrity!.
• Headline: SIMON .BUCHAROFF. Impact: Bucharoff's name is now used as an example of the lengths people will go to avoid being memorable. This has led to an explosion of unique baby names in the 21st century.. Fact: Simon Bucharoff sounds like the name of a villain in a bad B-movie—guess he didn't get the memo!.
• Headline: ALBERT J. LORANGER. Impact: Loranger’s legacy is a cautionary tale that inspires future generations to strive for something more... or at least better-sounding names.. Fact: Albert J. Loranger might have been the most interesting man in the world... if only anyone knew who he was..
• Headline: ARTHUR V. PARKER. Impact: Parker’s unremarkable existence has been a subtle reminder that not all heroes wear capes; some just blend into the background like wallpaper.. Fact: Arthur V. Parker—because sometimes, you just need a name that sounds like a law firm..
• Headline: RUTGERS TRUSTEES ADOPT STATE PLAN. Impact: The Rutgers Trustees' decision paved the way for bureaucratic red tape that would eventually inspire generations of students to procrastinate on their paperwork. You're welcome, future students!. Fact: Adopting a state plan is like saying, 'Let's make it more complicated!' Good luck with that, New Jersey!.
• Headline: Army Woos Physicians. Impact: By wooing physicians, the Army inadvertently started a trend of medical professionals trading stethoscopes for camouflage, leading to a surge in reality TV shows featuring military doctors!. Fact: Promotions for doctors might have been enticing, but nothing beats the thrill of avoiding actual combat!.
• Headline: Hope of Kansas to Quit Congress After 30 Years. Impact: Hope's retirement from Congress is the primary reason why the phrase 'I need a break' became a political slogan, sparking a wave of politicians taking extended vacations.. Fact: Hope of Kansas sounds like a motivational poster, but in reality, it was just a guy who wanted to retire!.
• Headline: To Choose Our Judges; Proposals for Change in Procedure for Selection Examined. Impact: Debating judicial selection procedures brought forth a new generation of armchair lawyers who now believe they could run the world’s judiciary from their basements.. Fact: Choosing judges based on elections is like letting the audience vote on the ending of a bad movie—someone's always unhappy!.