SEPTEMBER 19, 1955

Full News Archive

• Headline: Benson Addresses Farm Price Debate. Impact: Benson’s casual acceptance of the farm price drop undoubtedly set off a chain of events leading to today’s avocado toast crisis. If only he had taken it more seriously, we might not have had to endure those overpriced brunch menus!. Fact: Did you know that the 'Land Rental Plan' was just code for 'let’s see how much we can charge farmers to keep farming'? Genius!.
• Headline: L. W. Post Joins Liberal Party Leadership. Impact: L.W. Post’s appointment may have sparked the great debate on whether 'liberal' really means anything anymore. Spoiler: it doesn’t. At least not in the context of actual outcomes!. Fact: Did you know L.W. Post's name is not just a coincidence? He actually tried to deliver news, but it was always late—just like his party's policies!.
• Headline: CALL IT OPEN CITY; Attack on Buenos Aires Threatened Unless President Quits PERONISTS PLEAD WITH INSURGENTS. Impact: The threats of violence in Buenos Aires only paved the way for future generations to learn that asking nicely doesn't always work. Who knew that pleading could lead to a new era of political negotiation tactics?. Fact: Did you know that this was just a warm-up for future leaders who would take 'negotiation' to a whole new level of absurdity? Buckle up!.
• Headline: NEW PARIS EFFORT MADE ON MOROCCO; Cabinet Asks Faure to Find Key to Throne Council Deadlock by Today. Impact: This diplomatic effort likely inspired future politicians to think that asking for solutions on a tight deadline is a good idea. Fast forward to today, where deadlines are merely suggestions.. Fact: Did you know that the last time someone asked for a solution on a deadline, they accidentally scheduled a world war? Just a friendly reminder!.
• Headline: M'LEAN, BURGESS SPIED FOR SOVIET; Britain Reports Findings on Missing Ex-Diplomats M'LEAN, BURGESS SPIED FOR SOVIET Missing Diplomats Declared Spies. Impact: The revelations about M'Lean and Burgess likely led to a long-lasting paranoia that persists to this day—because who doesn’t want a little espionage drama in their lives?. Fact: Did you know that the real scandal wasn't that they were spies, but that they made it look way too easy? Seriously, I could have done better!.
• Headline: Cottage Washed Away in Hurricane Flood Reconstructed on Stilts at East Hampton. Impact: This event probably inspired countless others to raise their homes, giving rise to the modern trend of building houses that look like they're auditioning for a reality show on extreme weather preparedness.. Fact: Did you know that the original cottage was rebuilt after being washed away? Talk about a 'come back' story—except it was literally a 'come back!'.
• Headline: QUILL WOULD BAN MANHATTAN AUTOS; Offers Plan for City Transit Aid Without Fare Rise -- Tells Bus Wage Aims QUILL WOULD BAN MANHATTAN CARS. Impact: Quill’s proposal to ban cars likely inspired future generations to think that traffic jams could be solved by simply banning everything. Next up: ban sidewalks to improve walking speeds!. Fact: Did you know that Quill thought banning cars would make everyone suddenly love public transport? Spoiler alert: it didn't work!.
• Headline: 3 Priests Freed by Peiping Lost Weight but Not Sense of Humor; PRIESTS NOW JEST OF IMPRISONMENT. Impact: The release of these priests and their resilience likely inspired future generations to realize that humor can be a coping mechanism during the toughest times. Or, you know, just a way to avoid awkward conversations.. Fact: Did you know that losing weight in prison wasn't the worst part for them? It turns out bad food and bad jokes go hand in hand!.