AUGUST 22, 1955

Full News Archive

• Headline: Death of George S. Holmes. Impact: George S. Holmes' death sparked an immediate decline in the quality of newspaper puns in Colorado, leading to a nationwide shortage of groan-inducing headlines. This ultimately caused a rise in therapy for pun-related trauma.. Fact: Holmes was one of those editors who probably had a killer mustache. You know, the kind that could intimidate an entire newsroom into silence..
• Headline: Tragic Deaths of French Journalists in Morocco. Impact: The ambush of the French newsmen in Morocco led to a sudden uptick in the popularity of conspiracy theories regarding Berber alliances with extraterrestrials, because obviously, that's where the real news is.. Fact: In a tragic twist of fate, the newsmen were just trying to cover the Berbers' secret to making the best couscous. Spoiler alert: it was not an ambush..
• Headline: Noise vs. Worship Debate in 1955. Impact: Rev. Dr. Samuel Henry's denunciation of noise as a foe of worship inspired a series of noise-canceling headphones that would not be invented for another century, proving that sometimes, the universe takes its sweet time.. Fact: If only they had invented noise-canceling pews back then, the congregation might have gotten through an entire sermon without someone coughing up a lung..
• Headline: LATINS TO DISCUSS REDS; 20 Nations' Delegates to Meet in Rio Today to Map Fight. Impact: The meeting of 20 nations to fight communism in Latin America inadvertently led to a global obsession with salsa dancing. After all, nothing says 'freedom' like a cha-cha in your living room.. Fact: This gathering was so serious that they probably had to remind each other to put down their mojitos before discussing world affairs..
• Headline: PRESIDENT QUITS CAMP; Eisenhower Drives to Denver With His Grandson David. Impact: Eisenhower's decision to quit camp and head to Denver with his grandson was the catalyst for the 'Grandpa Goes Camping' genre in family films, leading to a series of unfortunate nature documentaries.. Fact: This was likely the original 'Take Your Grandson to Work Day,' minus the actual work part..
• Headline: WEDIN6 IS HELD FOR-MISS GOOLID'GE; IShe I's Married to William B.' Warren' in Florence, Italy, ] , at St. James Church. Impact: The wedding of Miss Goolidge caused a chain reaction in the bridal industry, leading to the invention of 'something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, and something that will give you buyer's remorse.'. Fact: Florence, Italy, has always been a romantic backdrop for weddings—just ask the pigeons who are tired of attending them..
• Headline: WILLIAM J. GLACKEN. Impact: William J. Glacken's existence was so impactful that it inadvertently set off a chain of people confusing him with famous painters, leading to an art movement that never happened.. Fact: If you ever need a random name for a character in a terrible novel, Glacken is always a solid choice..
• Headline: ALBERT H. JENNISON. Impact: Albert H. Jennison's life was so quietly influential that historians have debated whether the 'H' stands for 'Hero' or 'Hey, who are you again?'. Fact: He probably spent more time explaining his name than actually doing anything noteworthy. A true unsung hero of mediocrity..
• Headline: HUGO P. FREAR, 93, NAVAL ARCHITECT. Impact: The long and fruitful life of Hugo P. Frear inspired public interest in naval architecture, which led to a brief but intense fascination with model ships in bottles during the 1960s.. Fact: Frear probably didn't know that his name would one day be associated with endless hours of frustration for people trying to fit ships into bottles. Thanks, Hugo!.