AUGUST 15, 1955

Full News Archive

• Headline: Criticism of George Washington Bridge Plans. Impact: The criticism of the bridge plan led to an unexpected influx of hipster coffee shops along the displaced neighborhoods, forever changing the landscape of overpriced lattes and artisanal toast.. Fact: If you think bridge construction is slow now, just wait until you see the bureaucratic red tape involved in getting a new coffee shop approved!.
• Headline: Cremation Ceremonies of Peurifoy Family. Impact: The cremation of the Peurifoys brought together a community that had long been divided by petty squabbles, proving that sometimes it takes a funeral to unite people—at least for a day.. Fact: Cremation rates have been rising steadily; some say it's because people just can't stand the thought of being buried next to their relatives..
• Headline: Growth of Westchester and Fairfield Regions. Impact: The development of big office and shopping centers in the hinterlands led to an explosion of suburban dad jokes, as dads everywhere suddenly found themselves wearing cargo shorts and discussing lawn care.. Fact: Did you know that White Plains has more strip malls per square mile than any other city? It's the American Dream, just with more parking lots!.
• Headline: FRANCIS PERNAS. Impact: Francis Pernas's name faded into obscurity, but rumor has it that every time someone mispronounces 'Pernas,' a cat somewhere loses its mind.. Fact: Every Francis you know is probably a little tired of hearing 'Like the one from 'Frasier'?' Just a heads up..
• Headline: Soviet Man in Street Is Delighted At Turn in East-West Relations; EAST-WEST SHIFT HAILED IN MOSCOW. Impact: The delight of a Soviet man in the streets over improved East-West relations led to a bizarre future where people began to exchange puns instead of political ideologies—a true testament to the power of humor.. Fact: Did you know that laughter is universal? Even in the depths of the Cold War, people found a way to chuckle at each other’s terrible jokes..
• Headline: SWIMMING MARK TO BETTY MULLEN; She Betters World Record in 100-Meter Butterfly at A.A.U. Title Meet. Impact: Betty Mullen's world record swim became an inspiration for future generations of athletes, leading to an entire Olympic sport dedicated to swimming with a side of flair. Butterfly strokes turned into butterfly dances!. Fact: Swimming in the Olympics is the only time when flailing around in water is considered a skill, as long as you do it in style!.
• Headline: 20,000 at Mormon Pageant. Impact: The gathering of 20,000 at the Mormon Pageant set off a chain reaction of large gatherings that eventually resulted in the phenomenon of flash mobs, where no one actually knows why they’re there.. Fact: Mormon pageants are like high-stakes theater but with more awkward family reunions and fewer costume changes!.
• Headline: BIG CITY HOUSEKEEPING. Impact: The call for 'Big City Housekeeping' led to an unexpected rise in urban cleaning services, inspiring a generation of people who realized they could make a living off other people's messes. The 'Mess Whisperers' were born!. Fact: Big City Housekeeping is just a fancy way of saying 'we'll clean your mess so you can pretend it never happened.'.