AUGUST 3, 1955

Full News Archive

• Headline: 2d Armored Cavalry's Return to Germany. Impact: The 2d Armored Cavalry Regiment's return to Germany sparked a series of events that led to a bizarre tourist boom in the area, where visitors were convinced they could meet a soldier who would turn into a time-traveling superhero. Spoiler: they were disappointed.. Fact: The 2d Armored Cavalry Regiment is famous for its mustaches. Apparently, they believed that a well-groomed mustache could intimidate the enemy..
• Headline: West Coast Flier Reunion Announcement. Impact: This reunion of fliers and their kin inadvertently led to a viral TikTok dance challenge that associated flying with excessive hugging—because nothing says 'I’m glad to see you' like a mid-air somersault and a backflip.. Fact: In the military, press conferences are actually just an excuse for everyone to complain about the food..
• Headline: CITY SALARIES UP DESPITE PROTEST; Estimate Board Votes Total of $597,250 to Top Aides -- Range Is $500 to $10,000 CITY SALARIES UP DESPITE PROTEST. Impact: The increase in city salaries led to a 200% rise in the number of people applying for public office—not because they cared about serving the community, but because who wouldn’t want a salary for attending meetings?. Fact: The city’s budget for salaries is just a small fraction of what they spend on coffee to keep those meetings lively. It's all about priorities..
• Headline: SENATE CONFIRMS NOMINEE TO S. E. C.; Patterson's Approval Comes After Charges Eisenhower Picks 'Captive Democrats'. Impact: The Senate's confirmation of Patterson led to a sudden increase in conspiracy theories claiming he was a secret agent for the aliens. Since then, the alien community has been more active in politics than ever.. Fact: The term 'Captive Democrats' is just a fancy way of saying 'we'll support you if you promise to stop using that awful coffee in the break room.'.
• Headline: CONGRESS FINISHES SESSION;; PRESIDENT GAINS Foes in Party Reduced -- Historic Moments Marked Sitting CONGRESS CLOSES OVERTIME SESSION. Impact: Congress finishing its session led to a nationwide spike in people binge-watching legislative sessions as a form of entertainment—because nothing screams 'fun' like watching old white men argue.. Fact: The extension of the Defense Production Act was basically Congress saying, 'We promise to keep the war machine running, but we also might throw in a few home improvement shows for good measure.'.
• Headline: Details of Votes on Legislative Bills in First Session of the Eighty-fourth Congress. Impact: The details of legislative votes turned into a popular board game called 'Who Voted For What?' which is now played at every family gathering—because nothing gets the party going like contentious political debates.. Fact: The first session of Congress was so boring that many members brought their knitting, and a few even started a rogue knitting club that still meets today..