JULY 1, 1955

Full News Archive

• Headline: E. Russell Palmer Passes Away at 66. Impact: The passing of E. Russell Palmer sent shockwaves through the advertising industry, leading to a sudden surge in creativity. Advertisers everywhere began to embrace wild ideas, including the infamous 'Dancing Hotdog' campaign of 1965, which indirectly caused a national hotdog shortage. Fact: E. Russell Palmer is often credited with the first use of the phrase 'I can't believe it's not butter!' in a pitch meeting, which was later stolen by a margarine company. Talk about irony!.
• Headline: Clarification on Charles Lewis Cited. Impact: This clarification by the Post led to a series of name changes across the country as everyone decided their names needed to sound more unique in order to avoid being mistaken for someone else. This resulted in a boom in baby names like 'Zyphor' and 'Blaxton' in the 1980s. Fact: This headline helped launch a thousand hipster names. If you meet a child named 'Charcuterie,' you can thank this article!.
• Headline: Legacy of Allen E. Whiting. Impact: The death of Allen E. Whiting marked the end of an era in the paper industry, which led to a worldwide paper shortage in 1998 when people suddenly realized they should have been writing things down, like, you know, their passwords. Fact: Whiting was known for saying, 'Paper is the true medium of expression,' right before launching an unsuccessful campaign to make trees feel guilty about being cut down.
• Headline: MISS SUSAN R. GUIGNARD. Impact: Miss Susan R. Guignard's prominence in society led to an unexpected trend where people started naming their daughters 'Susan' in hopes of raising them to be as influential, which resulted in an entire generation of Susans who collectively rolled their eyes at their parents. Fact: Susan R. Guignard famously claimed she could predict the future by reading tea leaves, which actually turned out to be a talent for reading the stock market instead. Who knew?.
• Headline: WILLIAM KERR. Impact: William Kerr's passing triggered a massive resurgence in the popularity of the name 'William' in the following decades, leading to an increase in confusion at family gatherings worldwide. Fact: William Kerr was also a champion at the annual 'Who Can Say the Most Boring Name' competition, a title he held for three consecutive years before retiring to pursue a career in being less boring.
• Headline: HARR F. RANNEY. Impact: The death of Harr F. Ranney led to an unexpected shift in the universe, creating a rift in the space-time continuum that resulted in the invention of the 'invisible ink' pen, which we all know is just a fancy way of saying 'I forgot to pay my bills.'. Fact: Ranney once claimed to have invented a method to make paper self-replicating, which may or may not have been just him leaving sheets of paper in a printer overnight.
• Headline: Housework Is the Road To Boredom. Impact: The article on housework sparking boredom became the catalyst for the feminist movement in the 1960s, ultimately leading to the invention of the term 'stay-at-home artist' as a euphemism for housewives who couldn't take the monotony anymore. Fact: Dr. Rowntree's studies were actually funded by a covert group of housewives who just wanted to create an excuse for not doing the dishes. Spoiler alert: it worked.
• Headline: LAST REPORT MADE BY HOOVER BOARD; Commission Ends Existence Declaring Its Proposals Could Balance Budget LAST REPORT MADE BY HOOVER BOARD. Impact: The Hoover Board's dissolution led to an unexpected rise in conspiracy theories about secret government organizations, with many believing the board was actually a front for a society of pancake lovers. Fact: Hoover once said, 'If you can't balance a budget, just make pancakes instead.' This profound wisdom was tragically lost in translation.
• Headline: State Officials Clash Over Liquor Inquiry; OFFICIALS CLASH ON S. L. A. INQUIRY. Impact: The clash over the liquor inquiry sparked a nationwide fascination with conspiracy theories about government officials, leading to the infamous 'S.L.A. Conspiracy' podcast that still haunts the airwaves today. Fact: This inquiry was so chaotic that it inspired the phrase 'too many cooks spoil the broth'… or in this case, 'too many officials spoil the liquor cabinet.'.
• Headline: NICHOLAS P. MILLER. Impact: Nicholas P. Miller's existence was so impactful that it led to a spike in baby naming trends, with parents everywhere scrambling to name their children after him, causing an entire generation of Nicholas' who would later become confused about their own identities. Fact: Nicholas P. Miller once tried to trademark the name 'Nickel,' but it turned out the government had a monopoly on that too, just like everything else.