JUNE 20, 1955

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Firefighter Awards Established in 1955. Impact: This seemingly innocent ceremony led to a dramatic increase in firefighters' egos, causing an uptick in heroic rescues. It also inspired the first superhero costume-wearer in history, who thought he could do it better. Spoiler alert: he couldn't. Fact: Firefighters now have more awards than some Olympic athletes. Maybe we should start giving medals for 'Most Creative Use of Water' next.
• Headline: Composer Honored at Yale Reunion. Impact: Friedman’s catchy football song inspired generations of composers to create equally annoying fight songs, leading to a never-ending cycle of college football fandom that still plagues us today. Fact: The only thing more tedious than hearing fight songs at football games is trying to explain to non-Americans why we care so much about college sports. Spoiler: we don’t really.
• Headline: FURRIER ELECTION IS POSTPONED HERE; Parent Union Orders Delay So It Can End Communist Influence in Affiliate. Impact: The delay in the furrier election led to a massive fur shortage in the fashion industry, which inadvertently sparked the ‘Faux Fur Revolution’ of the late 20th century. Thank you, paranoia!. Fact: Is there a better way to combat communism than by delaying furrier elections? Asking for a friend who’s very into fur coats.
• Headline: DR. NEALE CLOSES A SECOND CAREER; Leaving All Souls Pulpit, He Calls on Men and Nations to Keep 'Commitments'. Impact: Dr. Neale’s retirement resulted in a sudden rise in people questioning their commitments, leading to a nationwide existential crisis that lasted several decades. Thanks, Dr. Neale!. Fact: When Dr. Neale said 'keeping commitments,' he wasn’t referring to the commitment many have to binge-watching TV shows. Just sayin’.
• Headline: U.N. CHIEF EXPECTS 'ONE WORLD' DELAY; Tells Stanford Graduates Times 'Are Far From Ripe' for Single Government. Impact: This statement led to a generation of conspiracy theorists who firmly believed that 'One World' was just a code for a secret cabal of world leaders meeting over lattes to discuss world domination. Fact: The idea of a single world government sounds great until you realize you’d have to share your Netflix account with 7 billion other people. No thanks!.
• Headline: GERALD H. SMITH PUBLISHER,; President of Street &. Smith Was 42--A Director of Magazine Association. Impact: Smith’s passing led to a boom in magazine subscriptions as everyone suddenly felt the need to pay tribute by reading about people they didn't know. It’s the circle of life… and subscriptions. Fact: Gerald H. Smith was a publisher, which means he probably had more paper cuts than friends. Who knew the publishing world was so dangerous?.
• Headline: OLD AGE AID RISES IN 2-STATE REGION; 772,043 New Yorkers Were Benefiting Last December -- Jersey Total 264,210. Impact: This increase in old age aid led to a sudden influx of retirees taking up extreme sports, believing that with more aid, they could afford their inevitable injuries. Spoiler: they couldn't. Fact: In a shocking twist, old age aid did not magically turn everyone into a yoga master. Who knew? Apparently, nobody had told them yet.
• Headline: Abstinence Association Meets. Impact: The meeting of the Abstinence Association inadvertently led to a rise in the popularity of awkward conversations about 'the talk' among parents and their teens, ensuring future generations would be equally confused. Fact: The Abstinence Association: where members show up to discuss their commitment to non-commitment. The irony is just delicious.
• Headline: High Schools Graduate 116,000. Impact: The graduation of 116,000 students resulted in a nationwide rise in caffeine consumption as those graduates attempted to stay awake during their first job interviews. Thank you, high school!. Fact: 116,000 graduates means 116,000 awkward family gatherings where the phrase 'What are you doing with your life?' will be asked. Good luck with that!.