JUNE 13, 1955

Full News Archive

• Headline: Socialist Party Advocates for Equal Time. Impact: If Congress had limited 'Equal Time' to big parties, we might have ended up with a political landscape so dull, it would make watching paint dry look like an action movie. Socialist parties could have become endangered species, and the phrase 'vote for the lesser evil' would have been replaced with 'vote for the only evil.'. Fact: Did you know that in some parallel universe, the Socialist party actually became a major player and led to a world where everyone debates whether to have brunch or lunch for three hours? Good times!.
• Headline: Founder of Big Baltimore Store Marks His Centenary Tomorrow; Max Hochschild Came to U. S. a Penniless German Boy -- First Job Paid 50c MAX HOCHSCHILD 100 TOMORROW. Impact: Max Hochschild's journey from a penniless German boy to a centenarian retail mogul could have inspired countless underdogs to chase their dreams, leading to a world dominated by heartwarming made-for-TV movies. Fact: Fun fact: If Hochschild had become a comedian instead, we might have been spared a hundred years of shopping malls filled with overpriced sweaters.
• Headline: Madagascar's Lemurs Face Extinction Because of Hunting and Forest-Clearing. Impact: The extinction of Madagascar's lemurs could have triggered a global movement to preserve endangered species, resulting in a world where we all live in treehouses and communicate through interpretive dance. Fact: Did you know that lemurs are known for their incredible ability to bond with humans? Too bad their biggest threat is our inability to share a planet!.
• Headline: SPELLMAN HONORED ON VERMONT CAMPUS. Impact: Spellman's honorary degree could have launched a new trend of universities handing out degrees like candy, making future graduates feel like they were in a bizarre game show. Fact: Did you know that honorary degrees often come without the student debt? Just imagine a world where everyone gets a diploma for showing up!.
• Headline: NEED STAYS HIGH FOR AUTO STEEL; Expected Windfall for Other Users, by Labor Tie-Ups, Fails to Materialize CUTBACKS ARE ACADEMIC Motor Makers Seek to Build Inventories of Materials for Their '56 Models. Impact: The high demand for auto steel might have led to a world where cars are made entirely of recycled materials, making them stronger, lighter, and much more likely to turn into sculptures on the side of the road. Fact: Did you know that if auto manufacturers could build cars out of wishes and dreams, we’d all be driving around in unicorns by now?.
• Headline: SUBMARINE MISSILE CREDITED TO RUSSIA. Impact: The submarine missile credited to Russia could have sparked an arms race that led to a reality where nations only communicate through increasingly ludicrous missile names, like 'The Peaceful Pufferfish.'. Fact: Did you know that while the USSR was busy developing rocket technology, the US was still trying to figure out how to use a can opener without causing an international incident?.
• Headline: Vassar Graduates Urged To Take a Moral Stand. Impact: The call for Vassar graduates to take a moral stand could have led to an entire generation of graduates spending their lives on soapboxes instead of finding jobs. Heaven forbid they get a real-world experience!. Fact: Did you know that taking a moral stand is much easier when you have a trust fund? Just saying!.