MARCH 26, 1955

Full News Archive

• Headline: Frank T. Rufner's Notable Achievements. Impact: Frank T. Rufner's brief moment in the spotlight sparked a chain reaction, leading to an unending debate about whether middle initials actually improve a person's credibility. Spoiler: they don't. Fact: Did you know that having a middle initial is scientifically proven to increase your chances of being remembered as 'that guy'?.
• Headline: Canada: Neighbor and Ally Celebration. Impact: This headline set off a series of improbable events that culminated in Canadians attempting to be friendly while Americans struggled to understand 'eh'. The result? A classic friendship filled with misunderstandings and ice hockey. Fact: Did you know that Canada is so polite, they apologize to their own geese when they get honked at?.
• Headline: DR. ALLEN TO HEAD SCHOOLS IN STATE; Regents Name Dr. Allen to Head The State Education Department Board of Regents Appoints Deputy Commissioner, 43, to Succeed Dr. Wilson. Impact: Dr. Allen’s appointment set in motion a series of educational reforms, resulting in the birth of a generation of students who would later spend their lives asking, 'Why do I need to know this?'. Fact: Did you know that Dr. Allen's first act was to ban the phrase 'Because I said so' from all classrooms? Yeah, that went well.
• Headline: MRS. GUY SMART. Impact: The existence of Mrs. Guy Smart led to an ongoing debate about the merits of marrying someone with an unusual name. It ultimately resulted in a trend of people choosing names for their children based solely on their potential for social awkwardness. Fact: Did you know that marrying someone named 'Smart' doesn't actually guarantee intelligence in your offspring? Shocking, I know.
• Headline: POET PESSIMISTIC ON STATE OF ARTS; Untermeyer, on Panel of 15 at Columbia, Finds Support for Doubts on Future. Impact: Untermeyer’s pessimism inspired countless artists to create works that were even more depressing, leading to an entire genre of art known as 'existential dread'—a favorite among hipsters to this day. Fact: Did you know that pessimism in art often leads to more art? It's like a never-ending cycle of gloom and creativity!.
• Headline: JAMES P. HIGGINS. Impact: James P. Higgins’ brief mention in the news led to a resurgence of people named Higgins, who all suddenly believed they were destined for greatness. Spoiler: they weren’t. Fact: Did you know that Higgins is one of those names that sounds impressive but often belongs to people who are just really good at trivia?.
• Headline: Gershwin Back in Soviet Favor. Impact: Gershwin's revival in the Soviet Union led to a bizarre cultural exchange where Russian ballet dancers attempted jazz, resulting in a uniquely awkward performance that left audiences both confused and amused. Fact: Did you know that 'Rhapsody in Blue' was once classified as 'modernistic claptrap'? Guess taste really is subjective!.
• Headline: PAUL T. KRAUS. Impact: Just like Frank T. Rufner, Paul T. Kraus's fleeting fame encouraged people to add random letters to their names, leading to the rise of middle initials as a trend among the hip and trendy who thought it made them sound more important. Fact: Did you know that adding a middle initial can make you feel 50% smarter? Just don't ask for proof; it’s all in the mind.