MARCH 11, 1955

Full News Archive

• Headline: Atomic Test Canceled in 1955. Impact: When atomic tests were called off, a butterfly landed on the shoulder of a scientist who then decided to take up knitting instead of nuclear physics. This inadvertently led to the rise of a global knitting craze that distracted world leaders from starting a war, which ultimately resulted in a peaceful 21st century. Who knew yarn could save the world?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more explosive than atomic tests is the drama in a knitting circle?.
• Headline: Atka Skirts Conflicting Claims in Antarctica. Impact: By avoiding the Palmer Peninsula, the U.S. Navy inadvertently sparked a series of international negotiations that led to the creation of a reality TV show about penguin diplomacy. Who would have thought that avoiding a territorial dispute could lead to 'The Real Housepenguins of Antarctica'?. Fact: Fun fact: penguins are terrible negotiators, but they sure do look good in tuxedos..
• Headline: DEMOCRAT NAMED TO TARIFF AGENCY; Eisenhower Appoints Jones to Replace Ryder Till '57-- Protectionist Ruling Seen. Impact: Eisenhower's appointment of Jones to the Tariff Agency was the catalyst for a bizarre chain of events that resulted in the world’s first 'Tariff Olympics,' where countries competed to see who could impose the most ridiculous tariffs on everyday items. Spoiler: the gold medal went to a nation that taxed air.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more confusing than tariffs is trying to explain them to your grandma?.
• Headline: JANAS FINED $22,000; Court and Prosecutor Assail Falsifying of Airline Books. Impact: Janas's hefty fine for falsifying airline books led to a revolutionary movement in the airline industry where transparency became the new norm. Airlines started giving away free peanuts to make amends for their past sins. The peanut industry saw a boom, and thus, the Great Peanut Rebellion of the '60s was born.. Fact: Did you know that if you line up all the peanuts sold each year, they would reach the moon? Just kidding, but they sure are popular!.
• Headline: Pembroke Official Named. Impact: Mrs. Bigelow's appointment as assistant dean of admission at Pembroke College set off a series of events that led to the college becoming a hotbed for feminist intellectuals, resulting in the first female-led space mission in 1985. Yes, the women who went to Pembroke were literally out of this world!. Fact: Fun fact: Pembroke College was founded on the belief that everyone deserves a shot at an education—unless you can’t find parking..
• Headline: A Picture Report on the Survey of Antarctica by the Atka, U.S. Navy Icebreaker. Impact: The picture report on the survey of Antarctica by the Atka was so captivating that it inspired a generation of aspiring explorers to don parkas and take up ice fishing. This bizarre trend of urban ice fishing eventually led to the development of frozen fish tacos as a delicacy.. Fact: Did you know that ice fishing is mostly just an excuse to drink beer in the cold? Shh, don’t tell the fish!.