MARCH 5, 1955

Full News Archive

• Headline: Appointment of NYS Insurance Deputy Superintendent. Impact: In a stunning twist of fate, the appointment of a new aide led to a chain reaction that culminated in the world's most boring insurance pamphlet being published years later. Truly a masterpiece of mediocrity!. Fact: Insurance is basically a bet on your own misfortune. The odds are never in your favor, but at least your paperwork will be well-organized..
• Headline: Soviet Writer Cleared of Spy Charges. Impact: Anna Louise Strong's absolution from spy charges sparked an underground movement of writers everywhere to claim they were merely 'misunderstood'. This led to the first-ever 'Writers Against Misinterpretation' convention.. Fact: Beria was not only known for his spy accusations but also his flair for dramatic exits—like the time he exited the building and straight into history's dumpster fire..
• Headline: JUDGE URGES LAW TO SUPPLY ADDICTS; Goldstein Says Clinics Could Give Out Narcotics, Ending an Incentive for Crimes. Impact: Judge Goldstein's proposal to supply addicts with narcotics ended up inspiring the world's most ambitious 'give a man a fish' program. Who knew that giving out drugs could be seen as an innovative public health strategy?. Fact: In the world of addiction treatment, a judge has about as much medical training as your average barista. But hey, why not throw caution to the wind?.
• Headline: LIBRARY AIDE RETIRING; Yarmolinsky Has Headed the Slavonic Division 37 Years. Impact: Yarmolinsky's retirement led to an immediate decline in the availability of obscure Slavonic literature. Libraries everywhere mourned the loss, leading to an uptick in book club meetings featuring the same three bestsellers.. Fact: After 37 years, Yarmolinsky probably knew more about Slavonic literature than most people know about their own family histories. Time to start writing those memoirs!.
• Headline: Designer for Shah Shows Line Of Women's Spring Suits Here. Impact: The unveiling of women's spring suits by a designer for the Shah sent ripples through the fashion world, ultimately leading to a regrettable trend of shoulder pads so large they could be used as flotation devices.. Fact: Fashion forecasting is mostly just hoping that trends from the past 30 years will repeat themselves—because, you know, who doesn't love a good '90s revival?.
• Headline: Merrily They Roll Along Nation's 85,000 Alleys; 20 Million Bowlers Can't Be Wrong, McMahon Proves. Impact: The rise of bowling alleys in America led to the invention of competitive eating—because if people have to roll balls, they might as well roll their stomachs too. A true American pastime!. Fact: Bowling alleys and competitive eating share more in common than you think; both require a steady hand and a solid stomach, and neither is considered an Olympic sport. Yet!.
• Headline: Fact-Finding Commission Asked. Impact: The request for a UN fact-finding commission inadvertently set off a global trend of over-analysis that continues to this day, where every minor dispute becomes a full-scale academic symposium.. Fact: Fact-finding missions are essentially like sending a group of people to ask questions until they forget what the original question was. A real talent!.
• Headline: REV.P.AJ'NALLy, EDUCATOR, IS DEAD; Georgetown Vice President Directed Observatory and Led Eclipse Expeditions. Impact: Rev. P.A. McNally's passing left a gaping hole in the world of eclipse expeditions, leading to a few decades of people just staring at the sun without protective eyewear. Thanks, McNally, for your service!. Fact: Eclipse expeditions are a bit like family reunions—everyone is excited until it gets too hot, and then someone inevitably ends up crying..
• Headline: SCHOOL-AGE RULE IS UPSET BY STATE; Kindergarten Children Here, if Admitted at 4, Must Be Advanced if Capable 2,000 PUPILS AFFECTED Ruling Academic After This Year as No More Under 5 Are Being Accepted. Impact: The state's ruling on school-age admission rules forced educators to rethink their entire grading system, leading to a generation of children who were both advanced and utterly confused about their own capabilities.. Fact: Kindergarten really is just a fancy way of saying 'Let's see if you can sit still for five minutes.' Spoiler alert: Most kids cannot..