SEPTEMBER 17, 1954

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ives Downplays Geography in Slate Selection. Impact: If Ives had picked a regional slate based on geography, who knows? Perhaps we'd all be living in an alternate universe where the Great Lakes are actually called the Great Ives and people are canoeing to work. Take that, traffic jams!. Fact: Ives' disregard for geography likely means he never got the memo that New York is not just a giant pizza slice on a map.
• Headline: New Leadership in Municipal Bond Women. Impact: With a new president chosen, the Municipal Bond Women might have inadvertently started a trend for future presidents of organizations to be elected based on their knitting skills. Watch out, the next meeting might require a yarn and a vote!. Fact: E.T. Schuyler becoming president proves that in the world of municipal bonds, the key to leadership might just be the ability to balance a checkbook and a cup of coffee!.
• Headline: EISENHOWER ELUDED BY MOUNTAIN TROUT. Impact: Eisenhower dodging mountain trout could have set off a chain reaction where politicians start avoiding all sorts of wildlife. Next up, a bill to require politicians to wear fish-proof suits in the wild!. Fact: Who knew that mountain trout could elude a president? Maybe they were just practicing social distancing before it was cool.
• Headline: VERY LAST WORD IN TYPE-CASTING; Gov. Allan Shivers of Texas Gets Role as Governor of Texas in Paramount Film. Impact: If Gov. Shivers had made it big in Hollywood, Texas might have become the Hollywood of the South, leading to more 'cowboy' movies than actual cowboys. Yeehaw!. Fact: Imagine the script: 'Governor of Texas: The Musical'—to be directed by no one because it sounds like a bad idea.
• Headline: Truman's Physicians Veto Party Stumping; TRUMAN'S HEALTH BARS PARTY STUMP. Impact: Truman's health issues could have led to a world where politicians were replaced by holograms, effectively eliminating the need for actual campaigning. 'Vote for the hologram of your choice!'. Fact: Truman being restricted to one speech shows that even great leaders have their limits, much like my tolerance for political ads.
• Headline: ABATING OF BILLS DENIED; 2 Jersey City Officials Testify on Medical Center Patients. Impact: The denial of bill abatements could have sparked a revolution for patients to form a union, demanding better treatment options and, perhaps, free pizza on Wednesdays. Because that’s what all medical debates are missing!. Fact: Turns out, even in the 1950s, city officials were perfecting the art of dodging responsibility. Some things never change!.
• Headline: VIOLINIST IS HEARD AT INTERVAL CONCERT. Impact: The interval concert featuring a violinist could have sparked a renaissance of classical music in popular culture, leading to a world where rap battles are replaced by symphonic duels. Mozart vs. Eminem, anyone?. Fact: I Becker's solo performance could have been the last shred of hope for classical music until it went into hiding for decades—sorry, Van Gogh!.
• Headline: 25% Drop in Sales Reported as Retail Jewelers Resist $5 Increase in Prices; WATCH SLUMP LAID TO INCREASED DUTY. Impact: The sales drop among jewelers could have led to a worldwide trend of 'cheap is chic,' influencing everything from fashion to politics. 'Just look at my budget-friendly bling!'. Fact: So, if retail jewelers were struggling, does that mean they started giving out discount coupons at political rallies? Asking for a friend.
• Headline: BARNARD WELCOMES 288; Registration Starts Today at Three Columbia Schools. Impact: The welcoming of 288 freshmen might have created a butterfly effect that led to an explosion of college memes and a rise in student loans. Congratulations, you’re now debt-ridden and meme-famous!. Fact: Freshmen orientation: the one time in life where getting lost is totally acceptable—unless you’re late to your first class, then all bets are off!.