SEPTEMBER 14, 1954

Full News Archive

• Headline: Reds Seek New Trial in 1954. Impact: If the Reds had gotten their retrial, who knows? Maybe they would have become the official party of the moon in the 1970s, leading to an intergalactic Cold War. Moon landings would have been staged, and we would all be speaking Russian as we sip on vodka-infused Tang.. Fact: The only thing more exciting than a retrial is watching paint dry. But hey, at least it keeps lawyers in business!.
• Headline: Agreement on German Rearmament in Bonn. Impact: This agreement could have led to a German superhero team called 'The Bonn Brigade' that fought evil with diplomacy. They might have saved the world from a villainous plot involving a giant pretzel.. Fact: The only thing more confusing than international agreements is trying to assemble Ikea furniture without instructions..
• Headline: U.S. Offers Immunity to Communist Leaders. Impact: Had the Reds accepted the immunity law, they might have decided to invade a local bowling alley instead of launching missiles, turning the Cold War into a heated bowling competition. 'Spare or Die' would have been their rallying cry.. Fact: Immunity laws: because who doesn’t want a free pass while plotting global domination?.
• Headline: SERVICES RUSHING ABSENTEE BALLOTS; Give Postcard Applications to Men Stationed in U. S. -- Deadline Is Tomorrow. Impact: The rush for absentee ballots might have inadvertently created a new sport: ballot racing. Future generations would compete in the Olympics to see who could mail their votes the fastest.. Fact: Absentee ballots: because nothing says democracy like sending your vote in the mail and hoping it doesn't get lost in the Bermuda Triangle..
• Headline: DEMOCRATS AWAIT PRIMARY RESULTS; Voting Today Could Influence Roosevelt-Harriman Race -- Polls Here Open 3 to 10 DEMOCRATS AWAIT PRIMARY RESULTS. Impact: The outcomes of these primaries could have led to a bizarre alternate timeline where Roosevelt and Harriman ended up in a reality show called 'Political Survivor.' They would have voted each other off based on who could make a better casserole.. Fact: Democratic primaries: the original Hunger Games, but with less archery and more backstabbing..
• Headline: De Castries Sees Premier. Impact: If de Castries had successfully turned the tide in Indochina, France might have become a global coffee powerhouse much earlier, and we’d be drinking 'Vietnamese Espresso' instead of lattes.. Fact: De Castries: the man who probably thought a 'Premier' was just someone who really loved their job..
• Headline: Tax Evasion Laid to Drummer. Impact: If this drummer had successfully evaded taxes, he might have inspired an entire generation of musicians to form a tax evasion band called 'The Write-Offs,' leading to a new genre: tax rock.. Fact: Tax evasion: the only crime where you can still get a hit single if you have the right beat!.
• Headline: Belgian Reactor to Be Powerful. Impact: This reactor could have powered an entire city, leading to an explosion of creativity, resulting in Belgian sci-fi films about sentient waffles taking over the world.. Fact: Belgium: the only place where you can find world-class reactors and world-class chocolate—because who doesn’t need a sugar rush while avoiding a meltdown?.
• Headline: BUS WITH SOLDIERS IN CRASH; 36 INJURED. Impact: If the soldiers had been unharmed, they might have gone on to become the world's greatest motivational speakers, inspiring future generations to achieve greatness—one bus crash at a time.. Fact: Injured soldiers: they always find a way to turn tragedy into a compelling memoir..
• Headline: EISENHOWER SAYS COUNCIL AFFIRMED SECURITY POLICIES; Reports No New Ones Made -- Senator Favors Air and Sea Support of Quemoy. Impact: Had Eisenhower's Council invented a new security policy, we might have ended up with a sitcom based on military strategy called 'Council of Dads,' where everyone just argues about who gets to pick the pizza toppings.. Fact: Eisenhower: a guy who managed to make international policy sound as thrilling as watching grass grow..