SEPTEMBER 7, 1954

Full News Archive

• Headline: First Cavalry Group Leadership Change. Impact: When Dr. Milchen was named president of the 1st Cavalry Group, it sparked a series of events leading to the invention of 'Cavalry Yoga'—a practice that eventually became wildly popular among hipsters in the 21st century, resulting in a massive surge in overpriced yoga studios.. Fact: Dr. Milchen's first order of business was to replace the cavalry's horses with bicycles. Because who needs speed in battle when you can have cardio?.
• Headline: New Treasurer of Civil Service League Appointed. Impact: The appointment of the Treasurer of the Civil Service League marked the beginning of a long lineage of bureaucratic appointments that ultimately led to the creation of the world's most tedious reality TV show: 'Survivor: Bureaucracy Edition.'. Fact: Being treasurer is a great way to learn how to count—especially when you're counting all the ways to avoid actual work..
• Headline: Byrnes Appoints C.E. Daniel in 1954. Impact: Byrnes’ decision to bypass the party’s nominee set off a chain reaction that led to the rise of write-in candidates, culminating in the 2020 election where everyone decided to vote for 'None of the Above.'. Fact: C.E. Daniel was later known for his impressive ability to build things, like walls around his political ambitions..
• Headline: West German Jobless at Low. Impact: West Germany's low jobless rate was like a small pebble thrown into a pond, creating ripples that eventually led to the economic miracle of the '80s—but only after a few unfortunate incidents involving lederhosen and bratwurst.. Fact: The only thing lower than the jobless rate at that time was the number of people who could say 'no' to a good sausage..
• Headline: PIER AGENCY FINDS PORT CRIME ON RUN; But Clean-Up Must Go On, Report Says, Citing Thievery and Favoritism in Hiring PIER AGENCY FINDS PORT CRIME ON RUN. Impact: The port crime clean-up report made waves, leading to the first instance of a 'cleaning crew' becoming a popular role in organized crime—'The Dirt Mafia,' if you will.. Fact: The only crime worse than thievery at the port was the crime of letting your sandwich go stale in the break room..
• Headline: Straight Clark Receives Johnston Tennis Award. Impact: Straight Clark's receipt of the Johnston Tennis Award inspired a generation of slightly confused athletes who thought they could achieve greatness by simply being named after a famous award.. Fact: Rumor has it that Straight Clark's secret to success was always serving aces while simultaneously dodging questions about his last name..
• Headline: U. S. BIDS U. N. ACT ON SOVIET ATTACK ON PATROL BOMBER; Lodge Asks Security Council to Meet -- Navy Says Plane Returned MIG Fire U. S. BIDS U. N. ACT ON PLANE ATTACK. Impact: The US asking the UN to act on the Soviet attack led to the world's first diplomatic game of 'hot potato,' where nations tossed the blame back and forth until someone ended up with a very awkward dinner invitation.. Fact: Ambassador Lodge's comments were so vague that they could have been mistaken for the plot of a bad soap opera..