JULY 4, 1954

Full News Archive

• Headline: Senate Hearings on Colorado River Conservation. Impact: If only they had known that this project would lead to an obsession with preserving every drop of water, perhaps they'd have invested in time machines instead of damming rivers. Future generations end up arguing over who gets to drink from the last pristine river while sipping bottled water.. Fact: In the future, people will argue passionately about which river is the most Instagrammable. Spoiler: it's not the Colorado..
• Headline: John Warner Conor's 4th of July Speech. Impact: This headline is so vague it could have sent historians into a frenzy, leading to a centuries-long debate over the importance of John Warner Conor. Spoiler alert: it didn’t. But conspiracy theorists will claim he was a time traveler himself.. Fact: John Warner Conor could have been anything from a politician to a fisherman; history doesn't seem to care enough to clarify..
• Headline: N.E.A. Meets in Chicago in '55. Impact: This meeting marked the beginning of a long-standing tradition of educational bureaucracies meeting to discuss absolutely nothing while eating stale donuts. Eventually, they will perfect the art of creating reports that no one reads.. Fact: The National Education Association will eventually become experts at turning coffee into complaints..
• Headline: L. I. Shopping Center Approved. Impact: This shopping center approval opened the floodgates for America’s obsession with consumerism, leading to the modern-day phenomenon of buying shoes you’ll never wear. Thanks, Huntington!. Fact: If you ever feel bad about your shopping habits, just remember that this shopping center was the birthplace of 'retail therapy'..
• Headline: G. O. P. PERIL SEEN IN FLEXIBLE PROPS; But Some Senators Differ With Young -- Mundt Denies Issue Is a Political One. Impact: This debate over props likely led to the realization that politics is really just a theatrical performance. Future politicians will take this to heart, leading to the rise of reality TV stars in office.. Fact: Senator Mundt may have denied the issue was political, but we all know that politics is just a fancy word for 'who can act the best.'.
• Headline: THE GROWING UP OF AMERICAN MEDICINE; A Study of the Social Forces and the Role Played by Doctor Welch in a Great Reform. Impact: Dr. Welch's reforms will eventually lead to what we now call the American healthcare system, which is like a game of Monopoly but with real money and no one ever wins.. Fact: In just a few decades, Americans will be debating whether healthcare is a right or a privilege while sitting in waiting rooms for hours..
• Headline: How Nassau Bank Bureau Completes Intra-County Check Transactions Overnight; Long Island Banks' Experiment Clears First Year Successfully. Impact: This banking innovation is the precursor to online banking. Little did they know they were paving the way for people to complain about their bank apps instead of standing in line.. Fact: One day, people will look back at this as the time when banks thought 'overnight' meant 'within a week.'.
• Headline: General Talks With Rebel Chief. Impact: This conversation could have set off a chain reaction of negotiations that would eventually lead to peace—or at least a temporary ceasefire. Or it could have just made things worse. History is funny that way.. Fact: In the future, historians will argue about whether this meeting was a pivotal moment or just two guys having coffee and complaining about their jobs..