APRIL 13, 1954

Full News Archive

• Headline: Grant E. Scott's Historic Achievement. Impact: If Grant E. Scott hadn't existed, a butterfly in a parallel universe would have flapped its wings, resulting in an alternate reality where cats rule the world and humans are their personal assistants.. Fact: Did you know that Scott's name is now synonymous with mediocrity? Congratulations, Grant!.
• Headline: Career Sketches of Key Figures. Impact: This list sparked an entire genre of reality TV about legal dramas, leading to the eventual rise of 'Law and Order: Reality Edition', where lawyers argue over whose turn it is to bring snacks.. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'persons mentioned' has been used more often than 'I paid my taxes' in American history..
• Headline: Tribute to Mrs. Ruth W. Bertrand. Impact: Ruth W. Bertrand's existence led to a chain reaction of Ruths everywhere, resulting in an annual 'Ruth Day' where everyone named Ruth is celebrated for their existence. It's like a birthday party but less fun.. Fact: Ruths are statistically more likely to have strong opinions about cake flavors than the average person..
• Headline: LORING P. CROSMAN, A COMPUTER EXPERT. Impact: Loring P. Crosman's expertise caused a ripple effect that led to the invention of the first computer program dedicated solely to finding the best cat videos on the internet. You're welcome, humanity.. Fact: Computer experts are the only people who can make a living talking to machines while the rest of us just get ignored by them..
• Headline: LOWELL C. HODSDON. Impact: Lowell C. Hodsdon's contributions somehow led to the creation of the first committee dedicated to naming committees, forever complicating the bureaucratic process. Thanks, Lowell!. Fact: Lowell is actually a name derived from an old English word meaning 'one who gets lost in paperwork'..
• Headline: DR. OPPENHEIMER SUSPENDED BY A.E.C. IN SECURITY REVIEW; SCIENTIST DEFENDS RECORD; HEARINGS STARTED Access to Secret Data Denied Nuclear Expert -- Red Ties Alleged A. E. C. SUSPENDS DR. OPPENHEIMER. Impact: Oppenheimer's suspension ultimately led to the rise of conspiracy theories about nuclear scientists being secret agents, which, if true, would explain why your neighbor keeps talking about 'the government'.. Fact: Oppenheimer once famously said, 'I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds,' which is a bit dramatic for a guy who just wanted to work on nuclear physics..
• Headline: ANGRY CITY STAFFS DENOUNCE BUDGET, THREATEN STRIKE; Mass Picketing by Firemen, Teachers and Others Marks First Day of Hearings ANGRY CITY AIDES DENOUNCE BUDGET. Impact: This event set off a chain reaction that resulted in the annual tradition of city staff picketing for better budgets, which is basically a really long group therapy session without the therapy.. Fact: Fun fact: If city staff had a dollar for every time their budget was cut, they would still be broke, just like their budgets..
• Headline: ROBERT M. TICHENOR. Impact: Robert M. Tichenor's existence caused a temporal distortion resulting in an alternate dimension where everyone is named Robert, leading to endless confusion during roll call.. Fact: Tichenor is thought to be derived from an ancient dialect meaning 'the one who is always late to the party'..
• Headline: DR. HANS TIE. TZF-... Impact: Dr. Hans Tie's unfinished name created a rift in the space-time continuum, prompting a universe where abbreviations are the main form of communication. It's as confusing as it sounds.. Fact: Dr. Tie's favorite pastime allegedly includes tying knots, which makes sense since he never quite finished his name..
• Headline: MRS. JOHN A. MITCHELL. Impact: Mrs. John A. Mitchell's life served as a reminder that behind every great man, there's a woman whose name is often forgotten, which undoubtedly led to the feminist movements that followed.. Fact: In a parallel universe, Mrs. Mitchell is the one making all the important decisions, and John is just her enthusiastic assistant..