MARCH 28, 1954

Full News Archive

• Headline: Opposition to Little Inch Oil Conversion. Impact: The opposition to the Little Inch pipeline's reconversion led to a temporary stalling of oil barge fleets, which ultimately resulted in a shortage of oil that caused the Midwest to start using sunflower oil in their engines, thus creating the world's first eco-friendly fuel crisis. Who knew sunflowers could spark such chaos?. Fact: Did you know that 'Little Inch' was actually the nickname of a very confused oil pipeline who thought it was a measuring tape? Talk about an identity crisis!.
• Headline: Call for Rational Approach to Atomic Policy. Impact: The call for a cessation of atomic experimentation was ignored, leading to an arms race that resulted in the invention of the 'Atomic Peace Prize', awarded to anyone who could survive a nuclear winter. Ironically, it was never awarded as no one was left to give it.. Fact: L Mumford’s new approach was so sane that it never got off the ground. Sane rarely sells in politics!.
• Headline: Dividend Aid Tax Relief Passed in 1954. Impact: Tax relief for lower incomes sparked a nationwide debate on whether people should be rewarded for being poor. This led to the creation of a new reality show: 'Survivor: Tax Edition', where contestants fought to stay out of the tax bracket.. Fact: BASIS stands for 'Boring Articles on Super Irrelevant Subjects.' Just kidding, it doesn't, but it should!.
• Headline: AUSTRIA BECOMES CREDITOR NATION; Achieves Shift From Debtor Status in Year -- Jobless Pose a Major Problem. Impact: Austria's shift from debtor to creditor status resulted in an unexpected influx of tourists seeking financial advice. This led to the birth of the 'Austrian Economics Theme Park', where rides include 'The Inflation Coaster' and 'The Debt Drop'.. Fact: Austria's status change was so remarkable that even the Sound of Music cast considered making a sequel titled 'The Sound of Money'..
• Headline: Guatemala to Renew Road Job. Impact: Guatemala's decision to renew the road job sparked an unexpected tourism boom. Tourists flocked to see the 'Road to Somewhere'—a legendary path that allegedly leads to enlightenment or at least a decent taco stand.. Fact: This road project was so crucial that local legends claimed it could lead to the fabled treasure of the Lost Llama. Spoiler: it didn't..
• Headline: Yugoslav Envoy on Way Here. Impact: The Yugoslav envoy's journey to the U.S. was so uneventful that it inspired a best-selling book titled 'The Road Most Traveled: A Diplomat's Guide to Boredom'. It became a staple on 'How Not to Write a Travel Memoir'.. Fact: Mates' flight was so long that by the time he arrived, he had mastered all the in-flight movies and had developed a profound dislike for airplane food..
• Headline: EDUCATION NOTES; Varied Activities on the Campus And in the Classroom. Impact: The varied activities on campus led to the creation of a new major: 'Advanced Procrastination Studies', enabling students to turn their natural avoidance skills into academic credentials, complete with a diploma from the University of 'Why Do Today What You Can Put Off Till Tomorrow'.. Fact: Education Notes were so popular that they almost created a spin-off reality show called 'Real Professors of Campus'. It was promptly canceled for lack of drama..
• Headline: Talks to Begin Tomorrow. Impact: Stassen's talks in London were so vague that they inadvertently sparked the formation of a secret society dedicated to deciphering his statements. They called themselves 'The Order of the Perpetually Confused'.. Fact: Speculation about Stassen's talks led to more conspiracy theories than a season finale of a soap opera. Spoiler alert: nobody really knew what was going on!.