JANUARY 14, 1954

Full News Archive

• Headline: Doubts Over Atom Pact in 1954. Impact: If only the U.S. and Soviet Union could have hugged it out over a game of chess instead of building a nuclear arsenal, perhaps we'd be living in a world where 'atomic' is just a fancy term for a new line of energy drinks.. Fact: The term 'nuclear deterrent' is just a fancy way of saying 'we're too scared to actually use these weapons, but isn't it cool we have them?'.
• Headline: Hiking Clubs Rally Against Thruway Project. Impact: Protests against sealing off hiking trails led to an unexpected surge in urban hiking gear sales, resulting in a generation of hipsters who think nature is a new trend rather than an ancient sanctuary.. Fact: The phrase 'take a hike' was originally intended as a compliment to nature lovers... just kidding, it's always been an insult..
• Headline: Sculpture Society Elects New President. Impact: This election marked the beginning of a long tradition of sculpture societies picking more presidents than actual countries do. Who knew that marble busts had such a strong political influence?. Fact: L Friedlander's election was the only time someone was more excited about a statue than actual human leadership..
• Headline: Canadian Population Rises. Impact: With the Canadian population rising, it's only a matter of time before the U.S. considers a 'friendly takeover'—after all, who wouldn’t want to share their maple syrup?. Fact: Canada's population growth is so steady that even the geese are starting to feel crowded..
• Headline: M'CARTHY WEIGHS WIDENING HIS UNIT; Says He May Ask for G. O. P. Senators to Take Places of 3 Absent Democrats. Impact: McCarthy's antics led to a political game of musical chairs that would continue for decades, proving that the Senate is just an elaborate reality show where everyone pretends to be serious.. Fact: The only thing scarier than McCarthy's investigations was the thought of him being left out of a good old-fashioned witch hunt..
• Headline: EISENHOWER FACES TREATY FIGHT LOSS; 64 Senate Backers Sufficient to Pass Bricker Proposal -- Foes Look to President. Impact: The Bricker Amendment saga set a precedent for future lawmakers to ignore treaties like they're bad Netflix movies—just click 'skip' and hope no one notices.. Fact: Eisenhower's ability to navigate political battles was so legendary that even his golf game was considered a diplomatic mission..
• Headline: Slayer of 3 Still at Large. Impact: The slayer's ability to evade capture likely inspired countless horror movie villains, proving that in real life, bad guys are just really good at hide and seek.. Fact: The phrase 'slayer of three' is a polite way of saying 'this person really needs to work on their social skills.'.
• Headline: RUSH HOUR PARKING BANNED FOR GOOD; Regulation Applicable to Five Crosstown Streets Modified to Eliminate Saturdays TRAFFIC RELIEF IS NOTED Bus Carrier Cites Savings in Time, Costs -- Wiley Admits Plan Is Not a Cure-All. Impact: Banning rush hour parking was the first step in a long, painful journey towards the realization that city planners have no real idea how to fix traffic. Spoiler alert: they still don’t.. Fact: The NYC Omnibus Corp's plan to eliminate confusion is like trying to get a cat to follow a leash—it sounds great in theory, but good luck with that..
• Headline: STATE BILL SEEKS STRIKE 'COOL-OFF'; Provides for 30-Day Delay in Tie-ups Affecting Public -- Result of Milk Walkout STATE BILL SEEKS STRIKE 'COOL-OFF'. Impact: The strike 'cool-off' bill was the first time anyone attempted to negotiate with farmers as if they were negotiating with a toddler over snack time. Spoiler alert: it didn’t end well.. Fact: Milk walkouts are a lot like cheeseburgers—everyone loves them until they have to deal with the consequences of not having them..