DECEMBER 26, 1953

Full News Archive

• Headline: Gypsum Output Nears Historic Peak. Impact: If gypsum had peaked just a year earlier, we might have ended up with a world full of oddly shaped buildings and a significant rise in the popularity of dusting tools.. Fact: Gypsum is just a fancy name for plaster. So, basically, the building industry was just trying to make the world a little more... flaky..
• Headline: HOME LOAN BANKS ELECT DIRECTORS; Board Members Designated to Serve Two-Year Terms in Eight District Offices HOME LOAN BANKS ELECT DIRECTORS. Impact: With the appointment of new directors, one might speculate that Home Loan Banks were secretly plotting a takeover of the mortgage industry—because who doesn’t love a good conspiracy theory?. Fact: Directors of Home Loan Banks are basically the superheroes of the housing market: fighting high interest rates and saving homeowners one loan at a time!.
• Headline: NEW HEAD OF POLICE TO HAVE FREE REIN; Adams Says He Will Stand By His Own Decisions -- Has No Shake-Ups in View Now Adams, Named City Police Head, Gets Free Rein to Run Department. Impact: Adams having free rein could have led to some questionable decisions—like allowing donut breaks during high-speed chases. And yet, somehow, it was probably still better than the alternative.. Fact: In a world where police heads are given free rein, it's a miracle that donuts remain the only casualty..
• Headline: WALTER J. SALMON, REALTY MAN, DEAD; Prominent Midtown Operator, Whose Name Tower Bears, Bred Top Race Horses. Impact: Walter J. Salmon's death might have sparked a conversation about the importance of legacy in real estate, but let’s be real—his tower probably became a trendy Airbnb shortly after.. Fact: Real estate moguls like Salmon are the reason we have so many 'luxury' apartments that cost a kidney and come with views of the dumpster..
• Headline: CEREMONY TO MARK '93 CHURCH SESSION; Commemoration of 1st World Parliament of Religions to Be Held in Chicago Tomorrow YULE SPIRIT SERMONS SET Year-End Themes Also Listed by City Clergymen -- Last of Candlelight Concerts Slated. Impact: This ceremony might have rekindled interfaith dialogues, but if history teaches us anything, it’s that these conversations often end up in a shouting match over whose holy book is the best.. Fact: The first World Parliament of Religions was so popular, they almost considered turning it into a reality show. Imagine the drama!.