SEPTEMBER 19, 1953

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Public Administrator Takes Office. Impact: L.V. Brown's appointment led to an unexpected chain of events that resulted in a nationwide trend of bureaucratic titles being longer than the actual responsibilities. Flash forward to today, and we have 'Chief Happiness Officers' who are just glorified coffee fetchers.. Fact: Did you know that in the world of public administration, the most essential skill is mastering the art of looking busy while doing absolutely nothing? L.V. Brown is probably an expert by now..
• Headline: Unveiling of Leila Betts' Miss 'Lella. Impact: Leila Betts's prominence in the news sparked an underground movement of people insisting that their names should also have extra letters, leading to a society where names became impossible to pronounce. Thanks, Leila!. Fact: Fun fact: 'Leila' is actually a common name, but did you know that adding random letters to it doesn’t make it any more unique? Just ask 90% of Instagram influencers..
• Headline: Remembering Joseph G. Kren. Impact: Joseph G. Kren’s brief moment of fame is believed to have inspired a secret society of people named Joseph who all decided to drop the 'G' and go by just 'Joe.' This now explains the overwhelming number of Joes in the world.. Fact: Did you know that 'Kren' is just 'nerk' spelled backwards? So if you ever meet him, just remember to say it in reverse for a fun conversation starter!.
• Headline: Dow Chemical Executive Joins Board of Foundry. Impact: Dr. Putnam joining the board of Foundry led to a dramatic increase in the number of chemical engineers who thought they could solve world hunger with just a better recipe for concrete. Spoiler alert: it didn't work.. Fact: Did you know that Dow Chemical once tried to market a cologne called 'Eau de Factory'? It didn't sell well, likely because the scent of industrial solvents isn't exactly romantic..
• Headline: PLEA FOR TEACHERS BRINGS 6,000 CALLS; Inquiries on Emergency Test to Meet Shortage in Schools of City Jam Switchboard 200 ARE STILL MISSING Failure to Report for Class Duties Monday Continues to Puzzle Authorities. Impact: The call for teachers and the resulting chaos was the beginning of a nationwide trend where educators started showing up in superhero costumes to attract more students. Who knew capes could be so educational?. Fact: Did you know that more than half of the calls received were probably from parents trying to find out if teachers could babysit? Because apparently, that's a thing now..
• Headline: POLICY IS REVERSED ON 'FREE' GOODS ADS; U.S. Trade Commission Upsets '48 Ruling Barring Use of Tag if Strings Were Attached. Impact: The reversal on advertising 'free' goods led to a time where everyone became hyper-aware of fine print, ultimately resulting in an entire generation of people who read the terms and conditions of their toaster manuals.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more exciting than reading fine print is watching paint dry? At least one can argue that the paint will eventually dry and not just leave you confused..
• Headline: Problems Brought on by Arithmetic Add Up to Teachers College Course. Impact: Prof. Fehr's math teaching method was so revolutionary that it led to a global movement of parents insisting their children had to learn calculus before they could even spell 'math.' Talk about pressure!. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'math is hard' was first coined by a 7-year-old doing homework? This remains the universal truth across all ages..
• Headline: Police Break Guild Picket Line. Impact: The police breaking the guild picket line inadvertently led to the rise of the phrase 'fighting the power,' which was then adopted by every teenager in the 90s. Thanks, Portland!. Fact: Did you know that picket lines have been around since the dawn of organized labor? They’re basically the original protest selfies, before social media was a thing..