JULY 17, 1953

Full News Archive

• Headline: Our Lady of Mount Carmel Parade 1953. Impact: The Lady of Mount Carmel Parade inspired a series of increasingly bizarre parades, including the National Pigeon Parade of 1965, where pigeons were dressed as historical figures. Good luck explaining that one to history students.. Fact: Did you know that parades are just an excuse for people to walk slowly and throw candy at unsuspecting children? Truly the pinnacle of human achievement!.
• Headline: Virginia Shrine Potentate Elected. Impact: R.A. Arnold's election as Shrine Potentate led to a secret society of potentates who meet annually to discuss the best ways to wear funny hats and hold elaborate ceremonies. Conspiracy theorists are still trying to find the secret handshake.. Fact: Did you know that being a potentate is basically a fancy way of saying 'I have a lot of ceremonial responsibilities and a really cool title'? Talk about job perks!.
• Headline: 50,000 BOY SCOUTS SET FOR JAMBOREE; 3d National Conclave Opens Today -- Eisenhower Bids Group Aid Conservation. Impact: The Boy Scout Jamboree became the breeding ground for future leaders, many of whom would go on to create the 3rd National Conclave of Unruly Teenagers in the 1980s. Who knew tying knots could lead to world domination?. Fact: Did you know that 'Be Prepared' is actually code for 'We have no idea what we’re doing, but let’s make it look good?' Classic scout move!.
• Headline: WALTER C. DOBBINS, 84, A REPORTER 38 YEARS. Impact: Walter C. Dobbins' long career as a reporter inspired a generation of journalists to think that asking questions was still a thing. Little did they know, it would soon devolve into social media rants and clickbait.. Fact: Did you know that being a reporter for 38 years is like being a tortoise in a race against hares? Slow and steady wins the... oh wait, never mind..
• Headline: EARWIGS SEEN NEAR CITY; European Insect Colonies First in Metropolitan Area. Impact: The emergence of earwigs in the city prompted a massive increase in insect-themed horror movies throughout the '60s. Who would have thought that a little bug could inspire such terror?. Fact: Did you know that earwigs don’t actually crawl into your ears? But hey, why let facts get in the way of a good scare story?.
• Headline: BOSTON LI. SHIFTS SET-UF; Realignment of Administration Is Made Afte_____r Survey. Impact: Boston's realignment of administration sparked a nationwide trend of bureaucracy that has only grown since. If only they had known they were starting the great 'paper shuffle' of the future.. Fact: Did you know that administration shifts are like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic? It may look different, but it’s still sinking!.
• Headline: Jet Streaks to Record 715.7 M.P.H.; JET SETS RECORD OF 715.7 M. P. H. Impact: The jet speed record set a precedent for future speedsters, leading to the rise of the Fast and Furious franchise, where cars now go as fast as jets. Thank you, Lt Col W F Barns, for opening Pandora's box.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing faster than a jet flying at 715.7 mph is the speed at which my hopes for world peace fly out the window when I see a new car commercial?.
• Headline: IS WASHINGTON AMERICA?. Impact: The question 'Is Washington America?' sparked a philosophical debate that led to an existential crisis among politicians, forcing them to reconsider their entire purpose. Spoiler: They still don’t know.. Fact: Did you know that asking if Washington is America is like asking if a hot dog is a sandwich? It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt... or confused..
• Headline: POPE BLESSES BLUE ARMY; Pontifical Mass Ends Meeting of Fatima Congress. Impact: The Pope blessing the Blue Army resulted in a wave of religious-themed merchandise that still plagues us today. Who knew that blessings could come with a side of marketing?. Fact: Did you know that a pontifical mass is basically just a divine pep rally? Go team Jesus!.