APRIL 30, 1953

Full News Archive

• Headline: Andrew J. McCartn's Important Contribution. Impact: If only Andrew J. McCarty had known that his life would inspire a future generation of people named Andrew to take up obscure careers in accounting and interpretive dance, he might have reconsidered his name choice. Fact: Andrew J. McCarty was so under the radar that even Google Maps couldn't find him.
• Headline: First G.I. Contingent Returns from Korea. Impact: The return of the first contingency from Korea ignited a chain of events leading to decades of awkward family reunions, where 'What was camp like?' became the most uncomfortable question ever. Fact: 30-day furloughs were basically the government’s way of saying, 'Welcome back! Now go take a long nap!'.
• Headline: EISENHOWER PLANS FOREIGN AID FUNDS OF 5.8 BILLION IN '54; Truman Estimate of Need Was 7.6 Billion -- President to Map Arms Set-Up Today EISENHOWER PLANS 5.8 BILLION IN AID. Impact: Eisenhower's foreign aid request set off a chain reaction where every president thereafter felt the need to one-up him, leading to absurdly inflated budgets that could fund a small moon colony. Fact: Truman's estimate was so much higher because he thought he was negotiating with a used car salesman.
• Headline: FARM, TRADE LOANS OFF BY $131,000,000; Holdings of Treasury Bills Decrease $173,000,000 at the Member Banks. Impact: The major drop in farm and trade loans prompted banks to reconsider their life choices, leading to a future where they would only lend money to people who could prove they were wizards. Fact: The Treasury Bills' decrease was so notable that it became the inspiration for many a sad country song about lost investments and broken dreams.
• Headline: Briton Hails Policewomen. Impact: The hailing of policewomen in Britain eventually leads to the formation of 'Women in Blue,' a reality TV series where policewomen chase criminals while being chased by their own career aspirations. Fact: This was the first time anyone considered that women could actually be good at anything other than baking cookies.
• Headline: HENRY A. TOPPING. Impact: Henry A. Topping's relatively unremarkable life led to countless generations of Toppings who would be forever doomed to live in the shadow of a name that sounds like a dessert topping. Fact: His name was actually the inspiration for a line of ice cream toppings... which he never received royalties for.
• Headline: Mayor Greets Brazil Governor. Impact: The greet between the mayor and the Brazil governor opened the floodgates for future political tourism, marking the beginning of the ‘let's build bridges and take selfies’ era in politics. Fact: This meet-and-greet was the first time a political figure used a selfie stick... and it was the most awkward photo ever taken.
• Headline: JOHN SQUIBB. Impact: John Squibb's life was so nondescript that he inadvertently inspired a cult of individuals dedicated to being unremarkably average, leading to the 'Squibbian' lifestyle trend. Fact: He is not to be confused with the Squibb that makes the medicine; though both could cure boredom.
• Headline: Arbor Day Is Observed Here. Impact: Arbor Day celebrations led to the over-planting of trees, resulting in a future where people are constantly searching for parking under a canopy of poetic greenery. Fact: This event was the original inspiration for the phrase 'leaf it to me!' which is still used by bad pun enthusiasts today.